Hate Mail for my Stoker Finalist Story

I never used to get hate mail. One of my stories has changed that. It's called RIGHTEOUS, appeared in the Black Dog and Leventhal anthology PSYCHOS, and is a final ballot nomination for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in Short Fiction.

For those who haven't read the story, RIGHTEOUS is a story about PTSD. It's a story about a thing called Secondary PTSD. It's also a story about guilt, both shared and individual, both human and that of our nation. It's a story about America's love of war. It's also the idea that patriotism might be like alcoholism and too much of it might just be bad.

Here's a sampling of some of the emails I received, with my replies:

"You don't know what the f&ck your (sic) talking about. There's no excuse for your character's behaviour (sic). He's a f&tard!"

My reply: Well, actually, I do know what I'm talking about. I'm a retired army soldier with twenty years of service and am currently civil service employee working for the department of defense. I'm also deploying to Afghanistan next month. I get patriotism better than most. It's why I wrote the story.

"It saddens me that you've decided to join the lefties."

My reply: If by lefties, you mean those who see both sides of things, who take the time to think through things, and who are concerned with everyone's rights, then yes.

"How dare you trample the red, white and blue! You claim to be a soldier, but you couldn't have been. I was a soldier and am proud to show my flag and I'll kick anyone's ass who wants to try and stop me."

My reply: I never said anything about flying the flag. Thanks for your service.

"F&ck you F&ck you F&ck you F&ck you F&ck you! My brother died in Iraq."

My reply: Sorry for your loss.

"Your idea that a recruiter might be an accomplice to a soldier's ultimate sacrifice is distasteful. Everyone has a choice, whether to serve or not to serve. There isn't a draft, but rather a choice to join and become something you might not be able to become otherwise. Recruiters work long hours and should not be the target of anyone's anger."

My reply: The idea that there is a choice is a little sophistry. Many under-privileged and inner-city young men and women don't really have a choice but to join the service if they have any chance of pulling themselves out of poverty. I agree that recruiters work long hours  I have several friends, whom I respect tremendously, who are recruiters. But recruiters, like society, are (perhaps unwitting) accomplices to the deaths of America's children. As long as we promote the idea of patriotism at all costs, then this is what we grow.

The story was one I questioned writing. I stand by the story. I stand by what it says. I even stand by Mutt, the talking dog. I especially stand by the grieving father. God bless him.

Thanks to John Skipp for editing the Psychos anthology and for letting me be a part of it.

Tattoo Stories - Cowboy of Ra - Vampire Outlaw

I constantly get asked about my tattoos, especially the words inside of each forearm. People want to know what they mean, but the meaning goes deeper than the mere words. See, when my mom went to college in Sioux Falls, S.D. back in 1971-72, she came home and read to me the works she had to memorize. There was a particular poem that had a certain beat that I loved and begged her to read over and over.

Fast forward to 1998. I go to college and take a lit course and find this poem in my Norton anthology. I read it and immediately feel that I've found a familiar friend. I call up my mom and we talk and she tells me the above. I had totally forgotten.

What's interesting, is that this is an identity poem. It's about who you are and who you want to be. Reading the words, I realize I've become many of these. Through some form of osmosis, the words of the poem meant something to me. They actually made me. They formed who I am today

So enough of me. Let me present the poem in it's unaltered state.

One more thing. Ishmael Reed is from my hometown of Chattanooga, Tennessee, and currently resides and a professor at Berkley.

I Am a Cowboy in the Boat of Ra

by Ishmael Reed

'The devil must be forced to reveal any such physical evil
(potions, charms, fetishes, etc.) still outside the body
and these must be burned.' (Rituale Romanum, published
1947, endorsed by the coat-of-arms and introductory

letter from Francis cardinal Spellman)


I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra,
sidewinders in the saloons of fools
bit my forehead   like   O
the untrustworthiness of Egyptologists
who do not know their trips. Who was that
dog-faced man? they asked, the day I rode
from town.

School marms with halitosis cannot see
the Nefertiti fake chipped on the run by slick
germans, the hawk behind Sonny Rollins' head or
the ritual beard of his axe; a longhorn winding
its bells thru the Field of Reeds.

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra. I bedded
down with Isis, Lady of the Boogaloo, dove
deep down in her horny, stuck up her Wells-Far-ago
in daring midday getaway. 'Start grabbing the
blue,' I said from top of my double crown.

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra. Ezzard Charles
of the Chisholm Trail. Took up the bass but they
blew off my thumb. Alchemist in ringmanship but a
sucker for the right cross.

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra. Vamoosed from
the temple i bide my time. The price on the wanted
poster was a-going down, outlaw alias copped my stance
and moody greenhorns were making me dance;
   while my mouth's
shooting iron got its chambers jammed.

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra. Boning-up in
the ol' West i bide my time. You should see
me pick off these tin cans whippersnappers. I
write the motown long plays for the comeback of
Osiris. Make them up when stars stare at sleeping
steer out here near the campfire. Women arrive
on the backs of goats and throw themselves on
my Bowie.

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra. Lord of the lash,
the Loup Garou Kid. Half breed son of Pisces and
Aquarius. I hold the souls of men in my pot. I do
the dirty boogie with scorpions. I make the bulls
keep still and was the first swinger to grape the taste.

I am a cowboy in his boat. Pope Joan of the
Ptah Ra. C/mere a minute willya doll?
Be a good girl and
bring me my Buffalo horn of black powder
bring me my headdress of black feathers
bring me my bones of Ju-Ju snake
go get my eyelids of red paint.
Hand me my shadow

I'm going into town after Set

I am a cowboy in the boat of Ra

look out Set   here i come Set
to get Set     to sunset Set
to unseat Set  to Set down Set

               usurper of the Royal couch
               imposter RAdio of Moses' bush
               party pooper O hater of dance
               vampire outlaw of the milky way

Coming in the Next 365

Here's what's coming in the next 365 days from me in one manner or another. I hope I didn't leave anything out, but I have a nagging feeling I did -

Short Fiction

Behind Enemy Lines - A collection of four supernatural military thriller novellas from Weston Ochse, Michael McBride, Gord Rollo and Gene O'Neil. My novella is titled Tranquility Tides. To be published by Dark Regions Press (Complete)

Death Race 2000 - A woven collection of four novellas, to be published by Roy James Daley, Books of the Dead Press (Working)

When I Knew Baseball - Short story appearing in World War II Cthulhu ebook anthology published by Cubicle 7 (Complete).

Note this is a Mock Cover

The Weight of a Dead Man - a short story co-written with Yvonne Navarro and edited by Paul Kane and Charles Prepolec and published by Titan Books, appearing in Beyond the Rue Morgue (complete).

Lovers Leap of Faith - short story appearing in Inhuman Magazine (complete).

Gravitas - Short story appearing in Nightmare Magazine, edited by John Joseph Adams (Complete).

The Fine Art of Courage - dark fantasy Hemingway story appearing in Cycatrix Press anthology.

Beneath the Scorpion Tree, reprinted in the Haunted Mansion Volume II (Complete).



Novels

Halfway House, Novel, published by  Journalstone Books. Haunted house novel set in Los Angeles (Complete).

Grunt Life, Novel, published by Solaris Books. Military science fiction novel set in the near future (Working).

SEAL Team 666: Age of Blood, published by Thomas Dunne Books. Sequel to SEAL Team 666 (Complete).

SEAL Team 666, U.K. Edition, published by Titan Books.

And don't forget my books in print, like SEAL Team 666, Blood Ocean, Multiplex Fandango and the rest. Just click on the thumbnails on the right (if they're not there, you can always just google too)

What happens during the weekend...

Spent a guy's weekend with Brian Keene, Drew Williams, and M Stephen Lukac (with guest appearances ffrom Bob Ford and Robert Swartwood) at Casa de Keene. Brian showed us terrific hospitality. Highlights include waking up groggy both Sat and Sunday mornings to surreal discussions about New Criticism vs Reader Response Theories, which was bizarre considering how steeped in the silly we got long into the night. Talked about comics, writing, publishers, movies, and other important world-changing topics. Determined the hierarchy of the new government we'll form after the Apocalypse (Brian HMFIC, me Sec of War and Cooking, Drew Sec of Education and Entertainment and Steve Sec of Finance and Recycling). Cooked some kickass salmon, drank nasty boxed wine, Dos XX and Knob Creek.

We also watched HELL GOES TO FROGTOWN and MST3000ed DEAD ALIVE.

I even managed to write several thousand words in the final scenes of SEAL Team 666 AGE OF BLOOD.

A much needed hiatus from real life, especially since I'll be knee deep in the shit soon. Thanks Brian and the guys for putting up with this old boy. It was a terrific time. I already miss it.

But time waits for no man. Got to get back to work. With any luck, I can type THE END on the first draft of AGE OF BLOOD this weekend.

Here are some photos:

When I Was A Little Terrorist

So this is a true story.

I'd forgotten about it almost entirely.

My mother is probably going to read this. She never knew it happened either, but the statute of parental limitations expired many years ago. You see, I had to be ten or eleven when I was a little terrorist. That I got away with it is the story.

I was writing a section of SEAL Team 666:Age of Blood today and looking up the nomenclature for a smoke grenade when I remembered using one when I was a kid. Not the AN/M-18 Colored Smoke Grenades used by our armed forces, but the little gray, round balls with a wick that you'd light and it would pump out smoke.

I was living in Signal Mountain, Tennessee at the time. We're talking 1976 or 1977. I was a latchkey kid and spent all my time playing war in the woods, riding my bike, and trying not to get into too much trouble. But on this day I did the first two very well, and the last one not so well.

You see, I had this little smoke bomb. It was the last one and I had to put it to good use. Then it hit me. I'll smoke bomb the bank. (WTF? What kind of kid thinks that?)

I took a circuitous route through the woods so no one could follow me. I hid in a treeline and waited until someone drove up and the teller opened the metal drawer. Then in a daring act of treasonous glee, I lit the bomb, pedaled to the window, dropped it in the drawer,and pedaled away. In my mirror-- yes I had a mirror, and a six foot orange plastic whip on the back of my bike that served no other purpose than to look cool and ultimately to later giveaway my position-- I watched the teller pull the drawer inside, I heard her scream, then she shoved it back outside and the smoke billowed. The woman in the car pulled away like she'd just learned of a ten for one sale at Penny's. I pulled to a stop in the weeds. Hid my bike behind a tree and got down to watch what I'd done.

As expected, the cops came screaming into the parking lot. There was quite a ruckus  Nothing like this had ever happened on sleepy Signal Mountain. The most that ever happened was you'd hear a huge explosion some nights and you just knew someone's still blew up somewhere in the woods.

Eventually a cop spied the orange whip on the back of my bike. As he got nearer, he got more suspicious. I scootched further into the brush.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

At this point I realized the importance of an alibi. I didn't have one. So I said the most intelligent thing I could think of. "I'm looking for my comic books."

I was treated with silence. Either he was drawing down on me or he was wondering why I was reading coming books in a thicket. I didn't know because my little terrorist eyes were closed.

"Come out of there." Thankfully he left off, with your hands up.

"No," I said.

"Come out of there," he repeated.

"No," I said firmly.

It was a standoff.

Have you read SEAL Team 666?

I'm not sure what happened at that moment. I don't know whether he was called by a fellow officer, he decided to leave my poor little terroristically terrified body alone, or that he remembered that he'd left the oven on, but he left. It wasn't long before the police called an all clear and everything went back to normal.

I made my way back home and promptly forgot about this for the next 36 years.

And then came today.

What I note on the picture above is that very little has changed. The strip mall on the north side of the highway beside the entrance to Cauthen Way wasn't there when I was a kid. The bank was the first building on that side.

Thankfully I'm no longer a terrorist. I just write about them now.

Weston Ochse
Sonoran Desert

Equations of Life Gave Me Siezures...

in a good way.

EQUATIONS OF LIFE by Simon Morden
Winner of the 2012 P.K. Dick Award

From my Goodreads Review: Okay. I gotta say, the cover hooked me. I mean, come on. If it doesn't hypnotize you, then it'll leave you quivering on the ground in a seizure. I found myself traveling without a book to read. I can't take two steps without a book on call, so I popped into a local Barnes and Nobles, scoured the shelves and BANG!

Then I opened it. I'm not sure what to call it. Post-apocalyptic cyberpunk? Apocalyptic Punk? Whatever you call it, Equations of Life is a terrific entry book into the world of Simon Morden. Reading the acknowledgements and the interview afterwards, I see our mutual friend Brian Hopkins (BaH) had something to do with Simon's success in his early days. That Simon has written so extensively in this universe rings clear and presents an authentic, texturally rich and wholly believable landscape.

I thoroughly enjoyed the book and finished it within 24 hours. I'm signing books at another Barnes and Nobles today (For SEAL Team 666) and plan on getting the next two books of the trilogy, which I believe have equally seizure-enticing covers.

Terrific Job, Mr. Morden.

Keep them coming.

For more info on Equations of Life click here. 

RIGHTEOUS, Story about PTSD, Makes Preliminary Bram Stoker Award Ballot

My short story RIGHTEOUS made the nomination list for the Bram Stoker Award for Short Fiction. Even though I've been through the process six times before, it's always kind of interesting that people care enough about my writing to read it and vote on it. Especially this story, which is one that was a catharsis for me as I wrote it. I can remember penning the final few pages in Sandy, Utah, in a hotel room. With all my time in the military it was difficult for me to write a story about a father who is stalking the man who recruited his son, the same son who never made it back from Iraq. RIGHTEOUS is a story about PTSD. It's a story about a thing called Secondary PTSD. It's also a story about guilt, both shared and individual, both human and that of our nation. It's a story about America's love of war. And of course it's a story about an insane father who talks to his dog. And of course, because it's a story written by me, the dog talks back.

Here's a very small sampling--

Five sentences changed my life forever.

Yes, I’ll marry you, is how Susan changed my life.

It’s a boy, is how a wide-hipped, chippy-eyed nurse changed my life.

Metastasized means that your wife’s breast cancer has spread to her lymph nodes is how the medical community gave up trying to save Susan and changed my life.

On behalf of a grateful nation, I present this flag as a token of our appreciation for the faithful and selfless service of your loved one for this country, is how a straight-faced Uncle Sam socked me in the heart.

Then one night I was three sheets to the wind with a bottle of Cutty Sark and Pulp Fiction blasting on television. When Samuel L. Jackson screamed the words from Ezekial 25:17, I sat up and was beset by a moment of clarity as he talked about the path of a righteous man. Then he said the words that started me on this path of the righteous man.

“Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

And always, as Mutt is eager to point out my errors. Those are seven sentences, Dude.

“But they are seven good sentences,” I offer.

Mutt thinks for a moment, then nods. They are. Especially for an asshat.

Thanks to John Skipp for editing the Psychos anthology and for letting me be a part of it.

The Fourth Third of Novel Writing

I'm writing my tenth novel. With the exception of the first novel, which took more than two years to complete, my writing, as it applies to novels, follows an established pattern. This pattern has remained unbroken since 2002, and will probably remain unbroken until I finally succumb to my arch-nemesis. I thought it would change, hell, I hoped it would change, but it looks like this is my particular style. So, I now present to you my four thirds of novel writing.

The First Third. The characters are fresh in my head. I don't really know them, but I'm eager to do so. I mean, come on, they are so damned interesting. The plot is still the best plot anyone has ever conceived. My working title is brilliant. The writing is crisp and awesome and absolutely bound to be the winner of at the very least a National Book Award. My god, I am so good and this is so much fun, how come I'm not writing two books right now instead of one. Wait? Is that Stephen King calling for advice? I'll put him on hold. I don't have the time. I'm too busy being perfect.

The Second Third. My characters are stupid and they suck. I can't even remember who they are. They all merge into silly pretenders who shouldn't even be characters on a daytime soap opera. And who's the asshat who came up with this plot? Seriously? Does Marvel comics know you've stolen their formula for Overused Plot #14? And dude, what the fuck is up with all of the gerunds you keep slapping in sentences. Don't you know it's illegal in seventeen states? And another thing. Split Infinitives is not a Marvel superhero alternate world character arc! It's a crime!

The Third Third. I calm down. I go back, I massage the text and realize it's not even half as bad as I thought. In fact, had I not listened to my inner Satan, I'd be finished by now. Self Doubt is a cowardly arch viillian and my long time arch-nemesis and it can strike down even the best of us, without warning and without mercy. I don't actually get a lot of writing done during this period, but by the time I'm finished with the Third Third, I'm on the downward slope of the novel, into act three, and sliding head first towards the final climactic set pieces. Everything is going to be just fine. I might not be awesome, but I'm pretty damn good. I find my pride beginning to return.

The Fourth Third. Wait, who are the characters? What are they doing? Do you mean you're getting paid actual money to write this dribble? What? You mean you've already been paid? Don't you think you should give the money back. Fuck you. No. Fuck you. Leave me alone and go bother Brian Keene. Fuck you, he's too strong for us. Then go bother John Skipp. He's a lot of fun. He knows porn stars. No triple fuck you. Skipp has the  +5 Cloak of Self Doubt Protection. I can't get past it. (-- an internal battle ensues too graphic for this page, involving Facebook, Twitter, Googling old college roommates, browsing vintage clothes on Ebay, rearranging my library chronologically according to author's birth dates  genre, and publisher, rebuilding my website, drinking great gobs of wine, writing articles about writing, and singing along to old Brittany Spears videos) Then, in a passion-filled two weeks, I finish the first draft of the novel, keeping one step ahead of my arch-nemesis. By the time I type THE END, I'm restless to be done with this book and move on to something else, to go somewhere my arch-nemesis doesn't frequent.

But that's not it.

You thought it was over, didn't you.

The Fifth Third. Eventually you'll have to return to your novel, unless you're a LuLu author or have your girlfriend/mother/sister/brother/aunt edit it for you followed by you self-publishing it and spending the next four years sitting behind card tables at craft fairs and conventions calling yourself an author. In this fifth third, you're impassioned  You've already fought so many battles, you're a tired warrior. You find yourself hacking and slashing the first brilliant third of you novel like sleep-sundered Conan after he wakes up in the Land of the Lotus-eaters. By the time you've finished your edit, the novel is more lean and filled with less brilliance. It is now a work you can turn loose upon a legion of real editors. If you're lucky enough to work for a major publishing house, you'll have half a dozen editors, many fresh out of an Ivy League college stuck being an editor until they can write their own great American novel. These editors know more about grammar and sentence structure than you'll ever know. If you're not so lucky, your cousin Gregg and his fiance will edit it with post-it notes, followed by a group of beta readers whose knowledge of the English language was learned through comic books and role-playing games, and an endless string of Tolkien pretenders (like your own). However it's done, the novel needs edited many times. It's gone from brilliant to craptacular back to moderately good. Will it ever be brilliant again? That's not for you to decide. That's for the Readerverse. In fact, you don't care. By now you're working on your next novel, and let me tell you, it is fucking brilliant.

My Coming Year - Afghanistan and New Book Contract

With my West Coast book signing trip behind me and the advent of the new year, I can relax and kick back and count my laurels. Right?

I wish.

I wish I had the time.

Especially, since I'm hard up against a very specific deadline.  On April 22nd I'm supposed to have my feet firmly planted on Afghani soil.

In the meantime, I have to finish SEAL Team 666: AGE OF BLOOD, a zombie novella and a new Military Sci Fi book I'm signing a contract for next week. From whom you ask? All I can say is it's a mass market paperback.

Not to mention, all the edits St. Martins is going to deluge me with over AGE OF BLOOD.

That's what we call in the trades  a shitload of writing. I might not be able to do it by the time I'm supposed to be in Afghanistan. So St. Martins might experience having to send edits to a war zone. Wonder how many times they've done that before? I also might have to work on the Military Sci Fi novel there too... in my spare time.  Like I'll have any.  Riiiight.

The good thing is that if I leave on time, I'll be back around Thanksgiving. I can spend the holidays with my wife and family. And come January, I'll have four books out:

• SEAL Team 666 in mmp
• SEAL Team 666:AGE OF BLOOD in hardback
• Halfway House in limited edition hardcover and paperback
• Military Sci Fi novel in mmp

That'll be fun.

Here's  a link you'll find interesting. It's a video of my interview at the Poisoned Pen.



Oh yeah. And don't forget to pick up a copy of SEAL Team 666 or any of my other books, especially the novella Butterfly Winter which isn't getting the love it deserves. I also have copies of Empire of Salt for sale. This book is sold out in America, so I'm the only one who seems to have any copies. For information about these books click here.

Gary Stu Reviews and Twicrap Opinions

Everyone has their own opinion. I shouldn't be surprised, especially after such a divisive American election year as 2012. Yet I still find it funny when someone hates something of mine which so many other people love. It sort of makes me want to hold a psychological board to discern what it is about them that created within them an optic so different from other people. The result could possible be that we'd discover how to make a work of art everyone would love, but that hasn't happened since the first issue of Mad Magazine, which in and of itself was lightning in a bottle.

So I get google alerts when my name is mentioned. Most of the time I don't have time to check them, but on this occasion I did. And I learned two new words. Twicrap and Gary Stu.

From Simon Branford, Evolutionary Biology Researcher at the School of Biological Sciences at the University of Reading comes this notation:

    

Twicrap Award for Worst Book - Blaze of Glory by Weston Ochse. I decided to give a couple of the indie e-book bundles a go. It was a fairly predictable outcome – some books were OK, most rambled on for too long, and a couple were dreadful. This one was the worst – a Gary Stu monster apocalypse.

Twicrap seems easy enough to understand, but Gary Stu? I looked it up and it's interesting. I think it's a specifically English reference, because I've never heard it before, and I do get around quite considerably, but then again I might not be traveling in the right Mary Sue circles.

According to Wikipedia, Gary Stu is a variant of Mary Sue and it goes something like this:

Mary Sue stories—the adventures of the youngest and smartest ever person to graduate from the academy and ever get a commission at such a tender age. Usually characterized by unprecedented skill in everything from art to zoology, including karate and arm-wrestling. This character can also be found burrowing her way into the good graces/heart/mind of one of the Big Three [Kirk, Spock, and McCoy], if not all three at once. She saves the day by her wit and ability, and, if we are lucky, has the good grace to die at the end, being grieved by the entire ship.[4]  

 Interesting. I don't think it fits my plot at all, but interesting. My protagonist is really just a garbage man with a passion for survival. He's really not good at anything. The use of this word along with the mentioning of the authors he actually likes (noted in the link on his name) made me realize that good man Simon reads YA books. Blaze of Glory is decidedly not a YA book. Maybe that's where some of the breakdown occurs.

Take for instance Adam Cesare. He's a self-professed reader of adult horror. He reviewed Blaze of Glory and loved it.  Among many things he says -

    Blaze of Glory is a first rate literary creature feature, it’s got an eclectic and likable cast of survivors, some thoughtful allusions to the sub-genre’s past, and a host of creatures that are both creepy and original.  Oh, and it’s also got Dylan Thomas poems being recited while our protagonists douse salt-sensitive monsters with Supersoakers.

Is it as simple as a reader not knowing what he was getting into? After all, the cover even warns HERE THERE BE MONSTERS.

Probably not. And will probably never figure it out.

All of the above twicrap is nothing but sophomoric sophistry. Although I'm still left wondering what it was that made it Master Simon's Worst Book of the Year, I'm sure this is something I'll never really know. And perhaps I shouldn't. After all, there are things I don't like that a lot of people seem to really appreciate. Like Strawberry Lattes.


Liking and hating is what makes us all different. Maybe Master Simon is as I type this conducting evolutionary research on the subject. We can only cross our fingers and hope.

But Master Simon did do me a favor. He taught me the term Gary Stu. I'm going to use that. Like the word Slacks. And when I whip it out-- the word --people are going to look at me cross-eyed wondering what the hell I said. And in that moment, I will channel Master Simon and stare at them in my best interpretation of an Evolutionary Biology Researcher, and they will think me wise.

Now peel your Gary Stu asses away from my blog and do something useful, like shopping for some bell-bottom slacks.

Laters.

20 New Year's Resolutions for Those Who Don't Have Any

Can't figure out your own New Year's Resolution? Can't figure out how to improve your life? I've provided a list of some randomly sampled resolutions from the geniuses on Twitter. Pick one and it's yours:

1. Have less hairy nipples and more hairy armpits
2. Stop using my cat as an excuse for a boyfriend
3. Avoid employing my strikingly-decent impression of Mickey Mouse's voice when having sex
4. Never ask my drug dealer how her life has been recently unless I have an hour to spend hearing about it
5. Randomly sew one sequin onto every piece of clothing I own
6. To stop saying 'you go girl' outloud to myself
7. Get me some of those C-Tate abs the ladies are so crazy about
8. Learn brick laying? I've always fancied knowing but dunno if you actually have to become a bricklayer to learn?
9. Figure out how to get into the secret tunnels under disney world
10. Not to meet any girls online anymore and to actually see one in public
11. Dedicate the whole year to bang a north korean chick, a scientologist and meet chuck bass
12. Won't sit and do nothing from now on, will stalk people on Facebook instead.
13. Don't sit with my phone on twitter all day, must try to stand every now and again
14. Live like I'm dying; Get healthy physically & spiritually; Stop ppl pleasing; Dev a new perspective on life; Love
15. Stop adding my own home made butter and cream to store-made donuts during the diet
16. Put daily markings on my anti-social neighbour's car and house door till he leaves”
17. Stop spitting in other people's drinks at parties
18. Get my body waxed this year so I can wear a bikini at Walmart and make the website.
19. Jump up and down every time I'm in the grocery store and make people refer to me as Pogo Man
20. Stop speaking in an evil little voice whenever I get into an elevator.

And there you have it. 20 New Years Resolutions to try. 

Choose one. 

Choose them all

These are free for you to use.

Do you have any you want to add to the list?

Weston's Favorites of 2012

This is my 2012 Capsule of all my favorites for the year. I'm going to bury it in your psyches and fifty years from now we're going to open it and laugh at how silly we were back in 2012. Of course, I'm sure some of you will already laugh at me, because you are just so damned ahead of your time. All is well, though. Feel free to make fun of me as you get this not-so-rare glimpse into my thinking.

Favorite Word - Slacks. I was pretty upset when the New Yorker pegged this terrific word as the worst word in the English language? I mean, who the hell do they think they are? I'm going to make it my mission to use this word at least once a day. Slacks. Watch for it. There will be a resurgence.



Favorite Saying - "I have binders full of women." Gotta love that joker. He's a peach. I laugh every time I hear it. When I had binders full of women, my mother got mad and threw them away.

Favorite Political Meme - This one of Bill Clinton is so profanely adolescent, I can't help but laugh, with the presidents expression saying, "Oh, here we go."

Favorite Comic Book - Conan the Barbarian, Dark Horse

Favorite Fast Food Sandwich - Carl's Junior Jalepeno Turkey Burger. I know it's Turkey but I can't help it. The sauce, the jalapenos, the crisp lettuce, all serve to compliment the burger.

Favorite TV Show - Californication. (sorry. I'm a HANK MOODY FAN!!!!)

Favorite Song - Hey, Ho. The Lumineers.It's just so damned catchy and I don't want it to end.



Favorite Song You Never Heard Of (with video) - Anywhich Way by Scissor Sisters*




Favorite Video of the Year - Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders "Call Me Maybe" By Carly Rae Jepson Military Tribute by U.S. Military - This makes me smile every single time I watch it. Tell me you didn't smile. Come on. I dare you.





Favorite Weirdest Video of the Year:- Night and Day by Hot Chip or as NPR says, the video that makes you want to join and egg-worshiping disco cult

Favorite Beer - 1554  

Favorite Wine - Cupcake, Petite Syrah, Central Coast, 2010

Favorite Video Game - Skyrim

Favorite Novel -Tie between Westlake Soul (Rio Youers) and The Ritual (Adam Nevill). These books couldn't be more different. In fact, The Ritual (I believe) actually came out in 2011, which would make Rio's the best of this year. But since I read both of them in 2012, they're my 2012 books. I seriously encourage you that if you haven't read either of these, do it. Seriously.  And wear slacks and eat turkey burgers while you're doing it.

Favorite Trilogy - Dog Faced Gods by Sarah Pinborough

Favorite Recipe - This is something special. I don't usually share, but here it is.

Original which inspired my recipe

Weston's Smoke Salmon Pasta

3 tablespoons cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 red onion, chopped
1 large tomato (when chopped, no juice)
6 - 8 oz pound smoked salmon
1 cup heavy cream
4 tablespoons capers, drained
2 tablespoons dill
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 pound pasta (preferably linguini), cooked past al dente, drained, and tossed with 3 additional tbs olive oil
Freshly grated imported Parmesan cheese

Cut into small, equal-sized pieces tomato, salmon, onion, add dill and let rest in refrigerator for 1 hour in ceramic bowl.

Cook pasta.

In a large skillet, heat half the olive oil over medium-high heat. Add refrigerated ingredients and sauté until translucent, but not browned (about 5 minutes). Pour in the cream and reduce to simmer. Taste and adjust seasoning with salt and pepper. Be careful how much salt you add because the smoked salmon and capers are both salty. Add pasta to each single serving bowl, and add ingredients to pasta in bowl. Toss pasta with ingredients to coat. Serve with freshly grated Parmesan cheese and a pinch of dill. If served family style, then use one large bowl.

*Note: I had this at Anthony's Restaurant at Point Defiance, Washington, and recreated it. It's creamy and has the taste of smoked salmon without being overpowering.

And that's it folks. I hope you can try out my favorites and see if they might become your. Thank you 2012 for all that you have given. Now on to 2013. I wonder what's in store for us all when we're in the middle of next year wearing slacks?

*Song and video created in 2010. I know it's not 2012. So sue me.

SEAL Team 666 Invades WEST COAST

After more than 1900 miles and 16 bookstores in 8 days, my West Coast Booksigning Tour is over.

Malibu

I've been to bookstores in Scottsdale, Burbank, Beverly Hills, Torrance, Redondo Beach, Encinitas, Huntington Beach, Santa Monica, San Diego, Rancho Panisquitos, Ventura and Coronado Island.

I've met readers, distributors, store clerks, community relations managers, store owners, event planners, event coordinators, and people just shopping for presents.

I've been asked about my book, where the restrooms are in the store, which Nook is the best one to buy, if I can get them a glass of water, which romance novel is the best one, where I get my ideas, did you know how fast you were going, if they could use my chair, if they could borrow my pen, could I sign their book, could I sign their body parts, could I sign a piece of paper, how to be published, how to get an agent, how to write a novel, how to self publish, where Bill O'Reilly's book is, and if I was single.

I felt like I encountered the full breadth of humanity, and although the recent political climate brought out the beasts in many of us, I found the majority of the people I met people I am proud to share the planet with.

Special thanks to Dirk and Barbara Foster, Greg and Eunice Magill, and Hal and Gene for opening their homes to me.

In Ventura

Special thanks to Barbara and Will at the Poisoned Pen, Del and Sue at Dark Dels, Maryelizabeth for both Mysterious Galaxys, Erna for Bay Books, and the CRMs at all the Barnes and Nobles that had me in to sign books.

Some highlights include-

• Selling more than 25 book in Ventura
• Chatting with Amber Benson
• Staying at the Peirpont in Ventura
• Eating late night Korean with Hal and Gene
• Eating Korean pork belly with Dirk and Barbara
• Waking up to Santa Monica Pier
• Driving the Pacific Coast Highway through  Malibu
• Yvonne joining me on Friday
• Hanging with Eunice and Greg
• Lunch with Gini Koch
• The young man from VCU deciding to ditch 50 Shades of Grey in favor of Triple Six

I was asked several times how much the publisher was paying me to do this book tour. I explained that I was being paid nothing, and that I felt that it was part of my job to promote the book. They said why not just do it from your webpage. The answer is all of what I said above. If I had stayed at home, I never would have had those highlights. I also wouldn't have a smiling agent and publisher. And let me assure you, my agent and publisher smiled with every signing, every update, every shared photo, and every blurb.

L-R: Nancy Holder, Eunice Magill, Yvonna Navarro, and Me

Yep. SEAL Team 666 invaded the West Coast.

And the West Coast is better for it.

I wonder who will be next.

As The Tour Ends

I've already covered more than 2000 miles. I've been to bookstores in Scottsdale, Burbank, Beverly Hills, Torrance, Redondo Beach, Encinitas, Huntington Beach, Santa Monica, Ventura and Coronado Island. I've stayed with friends, in hotels, and once, I was so tired it was beside the road.

But this isn't about being tired.

This is about fifteen years of writing, nine novels, more than a hundred short stories, and god knows how many conventions.

This is about me finding my stride.

This is about walking into stores and having clerks excited to see me.

This is about seeing old friends who know how long and hard you've been working and seeing the love in their eyes.

This is about meeting new people and watching them as they get excited about what they are about to read.

You know, Charles Dickens went around America, reading his novels in installments, often writing them just before he presented them. He sold his books and looked into the eyes of the readers. I get why he loved doing it. I also get how tired it must have been.

This is a great life. I do not take it for granted. This morning I awoke in a suite with an ocean view and wrote 3500 words on Age of Blood, the next Triple Six book. I also talked with my agent about a possible signing of a few more books (more later). I have other projects. And it occurs to me I could just start playing video games and never write another word. It might be cool for about three weeks. Then I'd go crazy. You see, I have to write. I love to create. It's part of my DNA.

Yeah. It's a great life.

Now on to tomorrow.

Say, do you have Triple Six?  If not then WTF? How can the NY Post, USA Today and the Denver Post be wrong?  Lol.

Thanks for listening.

Ignore my blather.

Ciao.

----
Hotel Room
Torance, California
1152 PM

Italy, SEAL Team 666 and Wine Sabotage

SEAL Team 666 has invaded Italy.

How do we know?

Could they have been part of the mysterious night raid that destroyed 80,000 bottles of wine?

The mystery night raiders turned on the taps of Case Basse winery's giant wooden casks in which the wine was maturing, and let more than 62,000 litres of prized Brunello di Montalcino pour out.

Some 80,000 bottles of wine were lost, each of which can sell for at least 170 euros – a total estimated value of more than 13 million euros. The saboteurs did no other damage to the estate's "cantina", nor did they steal anything, suggesting that it was less a random episode of vandalism and more an act of spite.
The raid wiped out the last six vintages of the 6.5-hectare vineyard in the hills of southern Tuscany, from 2007 to 2012. Case Basse is a small but highly acclaimed producer of Brunello di Montalcino, making around 10,000 bottles a year.  (Entire Article)

Was SEAL Team 666 involved? Until someone steps forward we can't rule them out.

But what we do know is that they've been sighted in Vicenza, Italy.

On the marksmanship range?

In the tactical command headquarters?

At the ammo resupply point?

No. At the Hair Salon. It seems like one of my old friends and fans discovered that Consuela and the other stylists had SEAL Team 666 wishlisted for audiobook. Once my friend, Tracy, found this out, she convinced them to download the book and listen to it as they work.

So if you find yourself in Vicenza and are in need of a haircut, you might want to be careful. After all, the lady with the scissors wearing the headphones might just jump while she's cutting.

And then all bets are off. 

Thank You Sarah Pinborough - Dog-Faced Gods

Let me introduce a concept to my fellow Americans.

Dog-Faced Gods.

Yep. You read it right. Dog-Faced Gods. This is the trilogy (Gollanz) from London author, Sarah Pinborough and it's unbelievably incredible. I picked up the first book, Matter of Blood, at our local bookstore that someone had remaindered. It was the British edition, so I don't know how it got to this dark and sandy corner of the American desert.  Short version is that I read it and just loved it. The writing reminds me of Peter Straub, but with the certain grace that Sarah continually pulls off. My guess is that she doesn't even realize she's doing it. It's just something natural she does. I even find it hard to describe what it is, but once you read it, you know.

So I went online and bought the second book in the series - The Shadow of the Soul. I read that in just a few sittings and was like, "Damn. This is so good." I emailed Sarah and told her so. Then she offered me the third book to read, since it wasn't out yet in America. I took her up on it.  About halfway through The Chosen Seed, this third book, I began to get depressed. I was realizing that I would soon be finished and there would be no more story.

And the story?

Cass Jones is a London detective who can see the glow. What the glow is and why its there is at the heart of the story. Why Cass is special and how it all fits together is a brilliant piece of architectural plotting. I really can't get more into it without giving it away. Let me just say that this is a story that really began a long, long, time ago and Sarah begins in media res.

If you've never heard of this, or if you've been putting of reading them, then I'm excited for you. You're in for something special. Go find this trilogy and buy them.

John Skipp Forced to HALO by SEAL Team 666

The 42 Days of 666 are over, and we weren't going to talk about SEAL Team 666, but we had to, because Triple 6 snatched John Skipp, put a bag over his head, took him up to 25,000 feet with no oxygen, then tossed him out, clawing and gasping at air, doing the airborne cat climb, finally managing to remove the bag on his head, John Skipp realizes he's HALOing through the sky, where he cries like a little girl as he crashes into the triple canopy rainforest, ricocheting from branch to branch, until he gets just above the ground where he finds a trampoline that lets him bounce across a field of dead-headed daisies to a wrestling ring, where he rebounds off the top rope, somersaulting into the face of Hulk Hogan where he is picked up, body slammed, neck cranked, figure foured, and super wedgied, then hurled into a squad of chaste cheerleaders, knocking them down like porn star bowling pins, only to come up in an open armed salute with the International Kazoo Korps of Kalamzoo humming Tadaaaa!

Yeah. That's the Skipp I know and love.

A survivor.

I've known Skipp long enough for an entire generation to grow up and not know what the after midnight static on a television was or what a treat the monthly centerfold was. 

His official bio says: John Skipp is a New York Times bestselling author and award-winning anthologist turned filmmaker. His latest books include the anthology PSYCHOS (with a story by guess who!), the twisted-triple bill of horror screenplays SICK CHICK FLICKS, and THE DARK, a metaphysical thriller by Scott Bradley and Peter Giglio on Skipp’s Ravenous Shadows line of books. You can watch his short film STAY AT HOME DAD (co-directed with Andrew Kasch, from a script by Cody Goodfellow). 

But really, Skipp is who I wanted to be except I grew up. I tried not to. I really did. But the army forced me to change. So when I start feeling old, I look to Skipp, our Dark Knight Peter Pan, and gleefully become as silly and as badassed awesome as I want to be, without fear or retaliation from a society that just doesn't get it.

But enough of me.

Let's hear from Skipp.

1. What’s your favorite military movie, book or television show?

I’m gonna go with Joseph Heller’s novel CATCH-22. One of the greatest, most importantly formative books I’ve ever read.

2. Why is it your favorite? Here’s where you can ramble a bit.

CATCH-22 captures the immensity of the insanity of war on so many levels that it’s fucking ridiculous. The catalog of black comic absurdities is so thick and hilarious – from the out-one-tube-and-in-the-other eternally-hospitalized Soldier in White to Colonel Cathcart’s careerist obsession with “black eyes” vs. “feathers in his cap” to Milo Minderbinder’s wholly amoral chocolate-covered wheeler-dealing – that when the genuine mind blowing horror of Snowden’s secret is revealed, or the “friendly propeller” bisection of Kid Sampson sends McWatt into suicide shame, you’re not so much blindsided as gut-punched into emotional recognition.

I can’t even tell you how much this book defined me as a horror writer, a satirist, a young thinking man trying to grapple with the Big Picture. Almost everything I’d ever want to do to a reader is in that thing, one way or another.

3. What themes are overused? And is it overused, or just truthful observation?

 I don’t think you can say “war is hell” often enough. Anything that tells the human truth is a-ok with me.

+   +   +

Thanks, Skipp!

AND REMEMBER, SEAL TEAM 666 IS OUT NOW SO GO AND ORDER  (pretty please)!!!

Powell's ~ Amazon ~ B&N ~ Indiebound ~ Overstock ~ WalMart ~ Books-a-Million ~ Mysterious Galaxy ~ Poisoned Pen ~ Dark Delicacies ~ Hastings Books and Music  

SEAL Team 666 Mixtape

Remember those old mixtapes.

Or are you too young to even remember such a thing as cassette tapes. Well, once upon a time, after the dabacle of the 8-Track and before the invention of the CD, there was this thing called a cassette deck and many of us would tape from the speakers of a radio, too poor to buy the music ourselves. I had dozens of these tapes. Some meant for driving, some meant for going crazy and some meant for getting cosy.

So now, with the help of the internet, I'm able to make a mixtape for SEAL Team 666. These are the songs I listened to when I was writing and these are the songs you should listen to while reading. This is 3D for the reading experience.

To listen for free to SEAL Team 666 mixtape in sensoround, click the following link.

SEAL Team 666 by Queens of the Stoneage, Johnny Cash, Kid Rock, Rolling Stones, Guns and Roses, White Stripes, The Killers, Creed, Journey, Tower of Power, Boy Hits Car, and AC/DC - Uploaded by: Weston Ochse - @westonochse

42 Days of 666 - PUBLICATION DAY!!!

Dear my 1,100 followers on Twitter, my 3,166 best friends on Facebook, and the unnumbered hords who have been patiently waiting for the 42 Days of 666 to end and for my book to become available. Thanks for taking the journey with me. We've come to the end of the virtual road. Publication day is here!

Pausing for applause and sighs of mission accomplished.

First official sighting of Triple Six (with Mark Assur)

But wait.

This is the end of my journey. You still have one more. The first week of sales are the biggest. If you've been wanting to buy a copy of SEAL Team 666, which I'm sure you have if you journeyed with me this long, please get it this week... before Friday. Either got to your favorite bookstore or follow one of the links I've provided below.

To make it fun, I'd love to see a picture of you and the book in the store, along with what store it is and the location. You can either send it to me here, link it, or share it on Twitter, Facebook or Stumbleupon (links you can find on the upper right).

To make it even more fun, I'm going to take one of you and make you a character in the sequel to SEAL Team 666, SEAL Team 666: Age of Blood.

So don't quit now.

You're almost there.

One last step.

Thank you.

Powell's ~ Amazon ~ B&N ~ Indiebound ~ Overstock ~ WalMart ~ Books-a-Million ~ Mysterious Galaxy ~ Poisoned Pen ~ Dark Delicacies ~ Hastings Books and Music  

(Note that if you purchase the book at Mysterious Galaxy, Posioned Pen or Dark Delicacies, you can ask them to have me inscribe it to you when I sign there in mid-December, just in time for Christmas)

42 Days of 666 - One More Day with David Morrell

For the past 42 days we're going to be counting down to the release of SEAL Team 666. Why 42? Because it's the answer to the universal question. 

Tomorrow is the big release day for SEAL Team 666 and I have the ultimate pleasure and honor of hosting David Morrell, master of the high action thriller and author of the generation-influencing book, First Blood. He's also the author of three of my personal favorite thrillers, The League of Night and Fog, Brotherhood of the Rose, and The Fraternity of Stone. David doesn't know this, but those books, as well as First Blood, influenced who I've become today. I've only had the privilege of meeting David on a few occasions, the most treasured of which was at the Bram Stoker Award dinner in Toronto, where we sat and had dinner together, discussing such things as interrogations and neuro-linguistic programming. I reminded David of this and he remembered the dinner as fondly as I.

But enough about how much I appreciate David Morrell. Let's read his answers to the usual questions.

1. What’s your favorite military movie, book or television show?

My favorite military-themed television series is THE UNIT. Created by Eric L. Haney and based on his book INSIDE DELTA FORCE, the series aired on CBS from 2006 to 2009. David Mamet (GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS) wrote and directed several episodes.

2. Why is it your favorite? Here’s where you can ramble a bit.

The series is based on the way Delta Force operates. With technical assistance from Eric L. Haney, it had unusual authenticity and accuracy of details.

3. What themes are overused? And is it overused, or just truthful observation?

THE UNIT varied its themes, but in general, in the thriller field, I think a couple of themes are being overused. One is the search for the long-lost secret buried in the past that will save the world from destruction. Another is the the hunt for the terrorist with the biological weapon. Often this terrorist is hunted by a former intelligence operative who has a problem with authority, is going through a divorce, has a drinking problem and so on, but he (or she) just happens to have intimate knowledge of the bad guy and so is reluctantly brought back into the intelligence world by the operative's former superiors.

+   +   +

Thanks, David!

To keep up with David's domination of the high action thriller, visit him daily at David Morrell.

And everyone please don't forget tpre-order SEAL Team 666 from your favorite store. You have one more day to do so.

Powell's ~ Amazon ~ B&N ~ Indiebound ~ Overstock ~ WalMart ~ Books-a-Million ~ Mysterious Galaxy ~ Poisoned Pen ~ Dark Delicacies ~ Hastings Books and Music  

42 Days of 666 - Day 3 with Brian Keene

For the next 42 days we're going to be counting down to the release of SEAL Team 666. Why 42? Because it's the answer to the universal question.

With three more days until the release of SEAL Team 666, we have the honor of having my oldest writing friend, Brian Keene, stopping by. I've known Brian since before I sold my first story. We've been friends since. I've come to count on his advice, and have stood beside him whenever the universe has decided it was time to mess with him. I've enjoyed watching his success and admire what he has done both for and to the genre. And the best of all, I can unequivocally state that although I don't see Brian but once every two years or so, that if the world were to end today, we'd be on each others survival squad.

1. What’s your favorite military movie, book or television show?

I have many favorites, from Full Metal Jacket and Saving Private Ryan to Red Dawn and Force Ten From Navarrone. But my all-time favorite is certainly Platoon.

2. Why is it your favorite? Here’s where you can ramble a bit.

Because more so than any other, it captures the absolute pathos that can and will grip a band of brothers, be it during war time or peace time. Yes, brotherhood and honor and bravery exist in the military, but so do deception and hatred and betrayal and fear. You can't put people from such diverse cultures and backgrounds together and expect otherwise. That's they very reason wars are fought -- because people can't get along. Why would we expect anything different, then, of those we send to fight those wars? It's one thing to serve in a foxhole next to a guy. It's another thing to serve in a foxhole next to a guy who might stab you in the back later, just to save himself.

3. What themes are overused? And is it overused, or just truthful observation?

Circa 2002 with Brian before he found greatness, Roy Robbins
before he found God, and me before I found out that I am awesome.

War is hell. Not overused, but a truthful observation that I think everyone knows by now. Shame we forget it in real life...

+   +   +

Thanks, Brian!

To keep up with Brian's domination of the horror fiction and film universe, see him daily at www.briankeene.com.

Check out this trailer for Dark Hollow, the next movie to be released based on Brian's books.

And everyone please don't forget to Pre-order SEAL Team 666 from your favorite store:

Powell's ~ Amazon ~ B&N ~ Indiebound ~ Overstock ~ WalMart ~ Books-a-Million ~ Mysterious Galaxy ~ Poisoned Pen ~ Dark Delicacies ~ Hastings Books and Music