Finishing School

Ever feel so overwhelmed you can’t finish? I’m talking anything. Like running a 5K for instance. You look up and it seems so far away you just say f#ck it and quit. Or you have so many writing deadlines that you can’t concentrate. It’s just too damn much. This applies to school, to life, to anything. I know we’ve all been there. I know we’ve listened to the niggly voice whispering in our ear to quit. We ignore it at first, but then it changes tactics and makes us rationalize.

It’s not so bad.

A lot of people don’t finish.

No one will know.

How often do you listen to it?

How often do you fall victim to it?

There’s a TV show I found while cruising the Direct TV menu last year when I returned from Afghanistan. In fact, it’s how I discovered that one of my favorite magazines has a TV channel – Esquire. The show was titled Boundless and featured two Canadians who travel the world doing ultra-marathons and insane bike races in places like Africa, South Asia, Austria, etc. Simon Donato and Paul “Turbo” Trebilcock are the two crazy guys. Turbo is about my age, while Simon is ten years younger. These aren’t young men. And they don’t finish in first place. But in most of these, they do finish, which is most important

What I like most about this show is when they’re narrating their own success or failure and they talk about that voice in their head, the rationalization that creeps into their desire to finish, and how they react to it. I’ve seen Turbo fall victim to it and overcome it and it totally hits home. 

In some odd way, Turbo is me.

A lot of years preceding my deployment to Afghanistan, I was a quitter. I quit exercising because it hurt. I gained 80 pounds. I rationalized like a Grand Master. Truly, I was a genius at it. I had an excuse for everything. Even as I plodded around as Mr. Fatty McFatty acting like I was the King of Awesome, I rationalized that I was old and a disabled vet. If anyone deserved to not exercise and to be a rotund person, it was me.

But as I prepared for my deployment, I decided that I wanted to change. I needed to change. The doc looked at me during my predeployment physical and told me I was in bad shape. Where was that voice then? Little f#cker had abandoned me.

So I deployed and began to learn to finish.

I saw men and women I was in awe of.

I saw a soldier with a prosthetic leg who’d returned to war. If anyone had an excuse to quit, he did. 

I watched people’s eyes and I could tell which ones were rationalizers and which ones were finishers. 

I met a lot of operators who had that look in their eyes where one glance and you could tell that they would never quit.

I coveted that look.

I wanted that look.

So I curated that look.

Since June of last year, I’ve never not finished a distance run I’d set out to do. Often, if I feel like quitting, I’ll run farther. Just the other day, I felt like dog sh#t. My legs were a thousand pound tree trunks, my body was tired, I wanted to do nothing more than quit. But I had to exercise. So I was going to toss off a quick 3K. Halfway through that voice returned. It niggled in my ear like a sweet little earwig, rationalizing like it had for so many years.

It whispered.

It cajoled.

It pretended I hadn’t banished it.

And it pissed me off.

So I ran 5K.

This has bled into my writing. This spring I had a novel, 4 stories and a novella to finish. It seemed so overwhelming…almost impossible. But I did it. I finished all of my deadlines.

How do you do it?

How do you ignore that voice?

How do you finish?

My latest novel I wrote in Afghanistan

Here’s the great secret. It’s a very complicated four step process handed down person-to-person from the original Grand Masonic Order of the Dali Lama. I'm probably going to get in trouble for sharing, but hell, if you're reading my blog and reading my books then you deserve it.

So here it is.

Ready?

Step 1 – Want it.

Step 2 – Ignore the f#cking voice.

Step 3 – Do it.

Step 4 – Rinse, repeat.

Stephen and Turbo follow this process. They don’t always succeed, but damned if they don’t try. I only run a few kilometers and am able to ignore the voice. But they chew life in large chunks. They run 100 kilometers  at a time which gives that voice a lot longer to whisper to them. It gets so hard. You feel for them watching the program. Don’t listen to the voice, you scream at the TV, but of course they can’t hear.

That should be your mantra - Don’t listen to the voice.

How much more success would you have if you ignored the voice, or if the voice was silent?

I watch Boundless to see them succeed. I watch it to see them overcome the voice.

The last episode was the first episode of Season 2. They’re in Austria competing in a mountain bike marathon in Europe: the 137-mile Salzkammergut race in Austria. I thought of my old friend La Kelly when I watched it. She’s a professional mountain biker. I wonder if she ever competed in the race. If she did, I guarantee she ignored the voice. She seems to have her own inner voice that drowns out the evil one. I think that her desire to get the most out of life is greater than the voice's ability to stop her.

This desire is something I’ve been trying to curate within myself. I’ve embraced nature. I’ve returned to fishing. I have a kayak now that I use to be one with the water. I can stare at the world and smile, picking the beauty from it wherever I am. This strategy silences that voice like none other.

I’ll do almost anything to keep that voice silent.

Turbo did too. In the last episode of Boundless, he almost fell victim to it. It almost convinced him to quit. But he overcame it. He ignored it, squashed it like the pathetic little imp it is, and finished the 137 mile race. He did it by not thinking about the distance, but thinking about the road in front of him. It's like when you run. You don't stare at the horizon. You stare at the ground in front of you. You concentrate on the next step, not the last step. 

Or writing novels. I'm from the Tom Piccirilli School of Writing. Sometime way back in the beginning of my writing he imparted this wisdom. Write 5 pages a day, everyday. That equals 90,000 words in three months which is a novel. Five pages seems doable. 90,000 words seems terrifying. And it works too. I wrote the third SEAL Team 666 book in three months.

This is me 4 months after Finishing School

You see, Afghanistan was my finishing school. It taught me so much. Look at that word—finishing. When you’re finished there’s no going back. You’re finished. In this case, finished listening to that voice and I’m never going back.

Not everyone can go to Afghanistan for finishing school. I get that. You're listening to the voice. Block it out and listen to me. Finishing school can be whatever you call it. It can be whenever you want it. All you have to do is follow those four secret steps handed down from the Grand Master Mason of the Dali Lama.

Step 1 – Want it.

Step 2 – Ignore the f#cking voice.

Step 3 – Do it.

Step 4 – Rinse, repeat.

What are you waiting for?

~ ~ ~

Weston Ochse is the author of twenty books, most recently two SEAL Team 666 books, which the New York Post called 'required reading' and USA Today placed on their 'New and Notable List of 2012.' His newest novel is Grunt Life and is already in its second printing. Visit him online at www.westonochse.com

GRUNT LIFE Contest (Ending 5 May)

GRUNT LIFE CONTEST: 

Here's how it works. 

To enter the contest, take a picture of the book and post it to your FB page or Twitter account and tag me (make sure to tag me so I know. I'll have to approve the tag if it's on FB, so don't worry if it doesn't appear on my page right away). Pictures can be boring or exciting. I especially love bookstore pics and pics with weapons, but not combined (this means don't go taking an AK 47 to a book store and say that Wes told you to). 

The contest runs from 26 April to 5 May. 

What do you get, you ask? You mean besides a cool ass book? For the winner, a person randomly chosen from all the entrants, I will have a cell phone case made just like this one to fit their cell phone. Then I will sign it and have a platoon of grunts deliver it to their door -- or the UPS man. This is a chance to have fun and to get people interested. Thanks peoples! I'll repost this every day to remind people.

Here are some of the entrants thusfar (but not all)...

Brenda Todd

David and Jen Germain

Jay Chase

Dave Lookabough

Pam Donovan

Sean Neeld

Sean Neeld's Cat

 

Lee Whiteside

 Isn't this a blast?

Where are your pictures?

Come one. Snappy snappy!

 

Weston's World Horror Convention Schedule

I was in AfghaniCon last year, so I missed all the fun times in New Orleans. Of all the years to have it there, last year was the year. Damn. One of the great cities I still haven't been to.

But this year the World Horror Convention is in Portland, Oregon--another great city.

I'm putting my schedule here for anyone who wants to know. I'm including those things I am attending and the ones in which I'm participating. In between these I'll be in the dealers room or hanging out in common areas. So come by and say hi, buy me a drink, bend my ear, or whatever. Between the four books I have coming out this year, SEAL Team 666 movie news, as well as Afghanistan war stories, I have a lot to share.

THURSDAY

6:00 PM -7:00 PM, Multnomah/Holladay
Opening Ceremonies

10:30 PM – 11: 00 PM, Hawthorne
Reading: Yvonne Navarro

FRIDAY

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM, Sellwood
Panel: Being F*cked -Up And In Love
(Weston Ochse, Yvonne Navarro,Brian Keene, Mary SanGiovanni, Jeff Strand, Lynne Hansen, Cameron Pierce, Kirsten Alene) Henry Miller and Anais Nin or Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath? Horror writers discuss the horrors and joys of pair-bonding with our own kind.

2:00 PM – 3:00 PM, Multnomah/Holladay
Panel: Victoria Price Presents The Life And Influence Of Vincent Price
Daughter of the silver screen legend Vincent Price presents his life and work.

3:00 PM – 4:00 PM, Ross/Morrison
Panel: Hardcore F*cking Horror
(Jeff Burk, Jack Ketchum, Wrath James White, Christine Morgan, Michael Huyck, Aaron Sterns) Horror has always pushed fiction to the very edge. Follow us over to the most exteme corners of the genre. And is there such a thing as going “too far?”

4:00 PM – 5:00 PM, Multnomah/Holladay
Panel: Grand Master Award Come meet Brian Keene, as the World Horror Society honors him with the Grand Master Award

6:00 PM – 9:00 PM, Willamette Foyer
Mass Autograph Signing All of your favorite writers are in one spot and are willing to sign books!

10:00 PM,
Deadite Press Party

SATURDAY

11:00 AM – 11:30 AM, Hawthorne
Reading: Weston Ochse

2:00 PM – 3:00 PM, Ross/Morrison
Panel: You’ll Never Get Out Alive!  Advice To New Writers
(Brian Keene, Jack Ketchum, Weston Ochse, Lois Gresh, F. Paul Wilson )
Professional authors with decades of combined field experience tell the audience everything they wish they could tell their younger selves when they were starting out as writers.

6:30 PM – 9:30 PM, Multnomah/Holladay
Stoker Award Ceremony and Banquet. I'll be presenting the award for short fiction, along with Joe McKinney.

10:00 PM, Oregon Room
Bram Stoker Awards After-Party
HWA and our sponsor Samhain Horror would like to invite all convention attendees to join us for the traditional party after the presentation of the Bram Stoker Awards. Come and celebrate!

SUNDAY

Dead Dog Party

 I'll let you know if there are any changes. Hope to see you there.

Real Issue of PTSD in Grunt Life

My new novel Grunt Life is about to hit the streets on April 29th and I wanted to make something clear about PTSD. The book's characters and plot is steeped in the realities of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, suicide, and depression. The publisher was worried when I turned in the manuscript. And I get that. But then again, how many authors out there have my military credentials. As a military man with 30 years service and combat deployments, I know about PTSD first hand.

Still, it is a heavy issue and might turn some off. Despite that, I wanted it to be a central theme to Grunt Life. Not only am I trying to make readers understand what it's like to have PTSD, but I'm also turning PTSD sufferers into heroes. Too often they think themselves the opposite. This is where I show them how they really are worth it and can save the planet, if only between the pages of Grunt Life. 

Here are some facts about PTSD from the Veteran's Administration:

Here are some facts (based on the U.S.):

• About 7 or 8 out of every 100 people (or 7-8% of the population) will have PTSD at some point in their lives.
• About 5.2 million adults have PTSD during a given year. This is only a small portion of those who have gone through a trauma.
• Women are more likely than men to develop PTSD. About 10% of women develop PTSD sometime in their lives compared with 5% of men.

 Also:

Experts think PTSD occurs:

• In about 11-20% of Veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom), or in the range of 11-20 Veterans out of 100 who served in OEF/OIF.
• In as many as 10% of Gulf War (Desert Storm) Veterans, or in 10 Gulf War Veterans out of 100.
• In about 30% of Vietnam Veterans, or about 30 out of 100 Vietnam Veterans.

 Many PTSD sufferers, like the characters in my book, can see no way clear of their disorder and often take their own lives. This excerpt from Forbes Magazine is sobering.

Almost once an hour – every 65 minutes to be precise – a military veteran commits suicide, says a new investigation by the Department of Veterans Affairs. By far the most extensive study of veteran suicides ever conducted, the report, issued Friday, examined suicide data from 1999 to 2010.

The data was then compared with a previous investigation – primarily an estimation – that had been conducted over the same time period, and had found a suicide rate of 18 per day.

Many of these suicides involve older veterans; 69 percent of the suicides recorded were by veterans age 50 and older. But another way to look at this is that 31 percent of these suicides were by veterans 49 and younger. In other words,by men in the prime of life.

And then there are the shockingly common active duty suicides. Just two weeks ago, the military released data showing that suicides among those on active duty hit a record high in 2012. There were 349 suicides among active duty personnel – almost one a day. That means there are now more suicides among active duty soldiers than there are combat deaths.

 I want to make it clear that Grunt Life is a work of fiction. I chose to have PTSD as a central theme because I see so many war books out there who won't touch it. Well, I'm trying to touch it. If my only success is to bring more attention to it then good. Know it's out there. Know it's for real. And if you get the chance, see what you can do to help, even if it's just to tell a veteran or service member to have a great day.

The popular website Pop Cults focused heavily into the PTSD aspects with an absolutely glowing review of the book. 

'With Grunt Life, I feel like Ochse was striving to write the kind of military narrative that Heinlein or Haldeman would have written. I am a huge fan of both authors, and Ochse is well on his way tojoining their ranks, but I don’t think he is quite there.  He is close, and he is on the right track — heck, he even acknowledges Haldeman at the end of the book. Ochse goes beyond the normal chaos of combat and asks of the tough questions that we, as a greater society, are just starting to ask. In this novel, he addresses one of the biggest killers of our veterans these days: suicide.  While the taking of one’s life has been addressed before, Ochse embraces it and integrates it into his story without making it the focus of the book or glorifying it. The book starts out with a suicide attempt, but it isn’t for the reasons that you would expect. Ochse was willing to get past the Hollywood and mainstream media explanations of military suicide and try to address some of the real reasons why veterans would be willing to end their lives. This is a subject that needs to be addressed openly and honestly, and Ochse was brave enough to risk turning some readers off to do it. I think that many of the readers who do get turned off by his frank observations on this subject might feel that way because it hits way too close to home. I don’t want this to sound like a challenge, but for some folks out there, this might be the book that makes them stop and think.'

Mat Best (Former Army Ranger)

Mat Best of MatBest11X wrote an article about PTSD which I'd like to share here. Known for his youtube comedy and parody videos about special operations forces, he provides an inside view of PTSD that should be shared with everyone. 

One last thing. The military isn't the only group with PTSD sufferers. Police and fire fighters, as well as rape victims and victims of sexual abuse have a very high rate of PTSD as well. You could literally spend your day interacting with PTSD sufferers and not even know it.

So at the very least, treat everyone with respect. 

And that woman in the middle of road rage or the guy not moving fast enough for you in the line you're in, they might be having a hard time of it so maybe think about treating them that way.

Seven Days Until GRUNT LIFE Hits the Streets

With seven days until Grunt Life hits the streets, the excitement is mounting. This is my plunge into the military sci fi pool where I take on and try and break new ground concerning the realities of PTSD, suicide, and depression. Not only am I trying to make readers understand what it's like, but I'm also making PTSD sufferers heroes. Too often they think themselves the opposite. This is where I show them how they can save the planet, if only between the pages of Grunt Life.

Reviewers are raving over GRUNT LIFE so far.

Beauty in Ruins called Grunt life 'a fast-paced story with some daring ideas, Grunt Life: Task Force Ombra is a must-read for fans of the military science fiction genre, and definitely worth a read for sci-fi fans in general.'

Reviewer Bob Milne goes on to say that 'the opening arc of the story was, by far, the most interesting to me. Getting to meet the suicidal men and women recruited for Task Force Ombra, seeing how they're trained/conditioned in prison-like conditions, and watching as they engage one another in a confessional sort of catharsis is fascinating. Ochse devotes a considerable amount of time to setting the stage for his grunts, and I liked that.'

He also nailed my Lethal Weapon reference.  Nice!

Pop Cults focused heavily into the PTSD aspects with an absolutely glowing review of the book. 'With Grunt Life, I feel like Ochse was striving to write the kind of military narrative that Heinlein or Haldeman would have written. I am a huge fan of both authors, and Ochse is well on his way to

joining their ranks, but I don’t think he is quite there.  He is close, and he is on the right track — heck, he even acknowledges Haldeman at the end of the book. Ochse goes beyond the normal chaos of combat and asks of the tough questions that we, as a greater society, are just starting to ask. In this novel, he addresses one of the biggest killers of our veterans these days: suicide.  While the taking of one’s life has been addressed before, Ochse embraces it and integrates it into his story without making it the focus of the book or glorifying it. The book starts out with a suicide attempt, but it isn’t for the reasons that you would expect. Ochse was willing to get past the Hollywood and mainstream media explanations of military suicide and try to address some of the real reasons why veterans would be willing to end their lives. This is a subject that needs to be addressed openly and honestly, and Ochse was brave enough to risk turning some readers off to do it. I think that many of the readers who do get turned off by his frank observations on this subject might feel that way because it hits way too close to home. I don’t want this to sound like a challenge, but for some folks out there, this might be the book that makes them stop and think.'

Even SFF News weighed in. ''Grunt Life' at its heart is an Intense, Thought Provoking and Eye Opening look at the issues soldiers have to face everyday during and after their service.'

Reviews will be coming faster and faster. I hope to be able to link all of them. 

In the meantime, help this hardworking guy make this a NY Times Bestseller and order a copy  today!

For an independent bookstore near you, try this link to find where the book can be found.

Click this link to see all the Barnes and Nobles nearest you.

Mysterious Galaxy has Grunt Life available for preorder. They are one of the preeminent genre bookstores on the planet so consider supporting them. You can request a signed copy through them.

The Poisoned Pen, which is a mystery suspense bookstore in Scottsdale, is also a preeminent book store. They've shown me a lot of love by having me sign with them. Consider supporting them as well.  

 

Here's the back cover copy- 

This is a brand new Military SF series from Weston Ochse, an experienced military man and author.

Benjamin Carter Mason died last night. Maybe he threw himself off a bridge into Los Angeles Harbor, or maybe he burned to death in a house fire in San Pedro; it doesn’t really matter. Today, Mason’s starting a new life. He’s back in boot camp, training for the only war left that matters a damn.

For years, their spies have been coming to Earth, mapping our cities, learning our weaknesses, leaving tragedy in their wake. Our governments knew, but they did nothing—the prospect was too awful, the costs too high—and now, the horrifying and utterly alien Cray are invading, laying waste to our cities. The human race is a heartbeat away from extinction.

That is, unless Mason, and the other men and women of Task Force OMBRA, can do anything about it.

This is a time for heroes. For killers. For Grunts.

 

But They Chose to Join - Volunteerism and Service to Our Nation

Something's been bothering me... the words 'But they chose to join.'

Here's why they're bothering me. It was Easter and I reposted a picture meme of service men and women deployed to Afghanistan huddled around a meal at their DFAC (dining facility). I mentioned something about take a moment and think about those out there serving.

And one of my followers said simply 'But they chose to join.' I looked at it for a long time. That's not a simple sentence, no matter how simple it appears. To post that as a reply to my request seemed to mean that this person shouldn't have to take time out of their Easter Day to think about these service men and women because of a choice they made. After all, they chose to join. 

Seriously?

Think about that.

There are young men and women out doing what our nation commands, living under very rough conditions, at risk of violence or death, and receiving poverty wages but because they weren't drafted they get no respect? Not even a moment out of your day?

To make it perfectly clear, they didn't choose to join, they chose to serve. You join a gym or a club. You serve your country. Big difference.

I'm sure this has made me testy because of my nearness to the subject. I've spent the last 30 years in the military. 20 as a US Army soldier. 3 as a DoD contractor. 7 as a DoD civilian. When I go to work I see soldiers marching. I hear them call cadence. I see them salute. Fort Huachuca is predominantly a training post so most of these young men and women have chosen to serve and are getting ready for their first assignment. They're idealistic. They want to do things for their country. They want to have that feeling of service. They curate their own version of patriotism through their actions. They put up with poverty wages, working 15 hour days, being screamed at by drill sergeants, getting up and being forced to exercise and stand in formation, and eventually going to a combat zone instead of getting a regular job like regular people.

Me serving in Afghanistan 2013

When I chose to serve, I had lots of choices. I joke about how my mom made me join because I'd messed up two scholarships. That's partially accurate, she did lay down the law, but I had choices. I was smart, from a good family with great connections, I know I could have landed on my feet. Hell, I was waiting tables at the most expensive restaurant in Chattanooga at the time making almost $2000 a month back in 1984. It would take me more than a dozen years in the military to get back to that salary. But you see, I have this idea that we as citizens should give back to our nation. We should protect it and her people. Maybe it was my grandpa. Maybe it was John Wayne. Maybe it was all those old WW II movies. I dunno, but it made me want to serve.

Everyone doesn't have to. In fact, less than 1% of the US population serves. But that doesn't mean the other 99% get off free and clear. So when you're asked to pause a second and reflect on someone else's service that seems like a kind of respect.

I get that there are politics at work. I get that there are folks who don't like violence and war. Guess what? Soldiers hate it even worse. Let me set you straight. Whether you like the reason for a service man or woman being somewhere, don't confuse the issue with the person. The person was ordered to go there. They fight for those beside them, they fight for their command, and they fight for the ideal. 

But they chose to join. No, they chose to serve. 

Serving like my best buddy SGM Marshall who just received a Bronze Star for his outside the wire actions in Afghanistan.

Or serving like Sgt Keri Paulson, a young girl who could be anyone's daughter in a shopping mall anywhere in America but instead pulled a deployment to Afghanistan and turned out to be a crack NCO.

Or like my writer pal SFC Lincoln Crisler who's pulling an unaccompanied tour of duty in Korea, leaving his wife and kids back in America for a year.

Or serving like the 72 year old SFC (retired) Melvin Morris, who chose to serve by joining the Oklahoma National Guard in 1959, only to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor last week for actions he conducted in 1967 while serving in Vietnam.

They didn't join a bridge club. They didn't choose to join a political party. They didn't join a frigging bowling league. They chose to serve and deserve a damn moment of your attention.

But they chose to join.

Let me backtrack a few inches so people don't think I'm being overly semantical. It really is okay to say someone joined the military. You don't have to say that they chose to serve. But it's only okay if you understand that by joining the person is also serving. 

It is absolutely not alright to use the world join as an excuse not to show someone respect.

The Twelve-Fingered Shibboleth

It's not often I get to write a post like this, but when it happens, it's an awesome feeling.

Once upon a time there was this guy who wanted to be an author. He approached an author he admired, one to which he felt an unexplainable kinship, and he told him of this authorial dream. I was that author and I basically said to this fella the same thing I say to everyone. "Just write. Stop talking about it and do it."

And he did. His first book was Southern Gods and was magnificent. 

Then he got an agent and now has book deals and a new fantasy series coming out and is living the dream.

But somewhere along the way he wrote (is still writing) a YA series. When I saw that, I said to myself, "That's odd. I never took him for a YA author."

But then of course I've written a YA book (co-written with Yvonne Navarro and comes out this year), so why shouldn't he have.

I thought about reading it, but said to myself, 'Nah. I just don't have the time.'

Then we got together last month at Midsouthcon, a Memphis genre convention and he gave me the first two books of the trilogy, The Twelve-Fingered by and The Shibboleth. Now I felt like I had to read them. I like this guy and he's asked me to so I just had to.

I adored The Twelve-Fingered Boy. Just adored it. Written from the POV of a sassy middle-teen, petty criminal I could feel the truth of the character. Shreeve, his name, has a little of me in him. He's that friend I never had. He's also part of the author. I could hear his voice saying some of the words. The Twelve-Fingered Boy was damn terrific.

But as good as that was, The Shibboleth is even better. Wow. I just finished it and fucking Wow. I'm so damn pleased that this author has accomplished what so many have tried and failed to do-- create something new and wonderful that will stand the test of time.

I mean, if this 48 year old white dude can read a YA novel and come away with the absolute knowledge that it's the best book I've read this year and in my top ten books of all time, then it's just fucking spectacular.

The guy's name is John Hornor Jacobs. I call him Jakes. If you don't know his name yet, you will. If you want to be fucking amazed and thrilled, Pick up The Twelve-Fingered Boy as a calling card. Once you read that, you'll plummet into the next book like I did. You can find them at an independent bookstore near you or at Mysterious Galaxy.

Gosh. I wish I was a fly on the wall when you finish these books just to see the smile on your faces.

And Jakes, if you're reading this, Good Damn Job. I'm proud as hell to call you a friend. I'm also proud to call myself a fan.