Your Social Media Score Will Get You Published

Are you serious?

I thought I was done with high school, but it seems that now if I want to get published, I have to be one of the handsome cool kids. The problem is that I'm not really one of the handsome cool kids. I'm just this dude who sometimes talks too fast and stutters and sometimes is a klutz and trips and most of the time goes web surfing for food and wine porn. Nothing too cool about that...except to me.

So what do I do then if I want to get traditionally published?

Truth of the matter, everyone stands a chance to be a cool kid online. Social networking is the great equalizer and has leveled the stage for old Dungeons and Dragon nerds like me. We use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Blogger, Linked-in, Pinterest, Reddit, Youtube, etc. And publishers have found ways to determine what your sale-ability is.

Rob Eager shares in Stop Grading an Author's Social Media Prescence in a Guardian article:

I’ve actually sat in several meetings with literary agents, acquisitions editors and marketing directors who asked misguided questions, such as:

• Is this author on Facebook and Twitter?
• How many followers do they have?
• How often does the author post and do they get many shares and retweets?

 
There are a couple of tools they use to determine what a potential or current author's social impact is.

KLOUT is a big one. Do you know what your Klout Score is? Do you even have one? One guy claims that he wasn't hired because his Klout score was too low. Mine averages at about 70 (rated from 1 to 100). Conversely, wanna-be-bad-boy Canadian boy-man singer Justin Beiber's is 94. So what does Klout do?

“In this work, we present the Klout Score, an influence scoring system that assigns scores to 750 million users across 9 different social networks on a daily basis. We propose a hierarchical framework for generating an influence score for each user, by incorporating information for the user from multiple networks and communities. Over 3600 features that capture signals of influential interactions are aggregated across multiple dimensions for each user. The features are scalably generated by processing over 45 billion interactions from social networks every day, as well as by incorporating factors that indicate real world influence.” Social Media Today

The same article I referenced above also claims that clerks at resort hotels in Vegas look up customer's Klout scores as they check in to determine which ones should receive special perks like room upgrades because they know that the customers will broadcast their happiness across their social networks.

Whoops. Looks like I slipped almost 7 points in the last 90 days. Funny how that coincides with working on a contracted novel. Now I guess I'm not going to get any special attention at a Vegas resort. So sad.

Do you know that major publishing houses

have social network auditors?

As it turns out, major publishing houses have social media auditors. When Thomas Dunne Books (St. Martins Press) published my SEAL Team 666 book, I was audited by a nice fella who pointed out how awful my website and my blogger were and what I needed to do to fix the errors. Now, I was actually happy to get this. I mean, what the hell do I know about marketing and capturing audiences? I'm just a writer. If you're reading this and the page is stripped of everything and is all white, you can see that I have no idea how to do these things. I was asked several times to make sure I did what the auditor had asked me to do. And I did. But what would have happened, I wonder, if I'd ignored their audit?

One way you can measure your own impact is through Twitter Analytics. Twitter has a feature where you can check your engagement and reach. You can track your audience by their job, their interests, even their buying styles. It will even tell you what the best time of the day is to tweet.

  

There's also Google Analytics to consider. It tells you how many times the webpages you mange have been viewed, what the bounce rate is (where they only look at one page and then leave without going to another page on your site), and how long on average they spend on your site. My average, for instance, for this blog for the last thirty days is a session time of 1:51 seconds with 91% bounce. That last number is a good and bad thing. It shows while people were interested enough to come read something, they didn't want to stay and peruse the site.

Let's not forget Google Trends. You can plug anything in there to see how often it's been searched, such as your name and your book titles.

So there are ways you can judge yourself and determine

But not everyone is happy with this. Rob Eager has a valid point that takes me back to the cool kids in high school cliques:

Making acquisitions and marketing decisions based in large part on an author’s social media popularity is like assigning grades to students based on their accent or physical attractiveness: it’s subjective and largely unrelated to the actual skillset needed to succeed. (Stop Grading an Author's Social Media Prescence)

Regardless whether it's right or wrong or efficient, it's clear that publishing houses are trying to use social media analytics and auditors to help them sell more books. If and when they choose to value grade individual authors, it's sort of up to you to determine how willing you are to improve your individual impact in the social media universe. Your Klout score might mean the difference between them publishing you, or that other author they have who has a similar book.

My Agent is Going to Make Me Millions And Other Hilarious Myths

It's true!

I have an agent so all the hard work is done. All I need to do is write and the world is my oyster.

If only that were true. The problem with agents is what also makes them terrific-- they are not all alike. Additionally, each one has his or her own contacts. What you get in an agent is experience, contacts, and drive-- or what I call pugnaciousness. What you don't get is an automatic win.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time a close friend of mine was seeking an agent for his first book. He went to a conference and pitched the book to several agents. One agent in particular was very excited about the book. This agent was so excited that he actively sought out my friend and was eager to represent it.. The agent was from a known New York-based agency and had plenty of contacts. Why not go with this agent? thought my friend. So a year ago, he went with this agent, the book was sent out, then nothing.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

My friend contacted the agent who was still excited about the book. No! The book is great. Don't change a thing. It's the best!

But a year had passed. In the meantime, my agent got me jobs. Other agents sold other books. And life went on for the most of the rest of the agented-masses, but my friend was stuck in the waiting zone and might always be because of mistakes that were made in choosing the agent.

The End.

Boy, that story sucked. Right?

So what happened?

Let's go back to the beginning and investigate. The agent in question was an agent who represented client authors who wrote mysteries and thrillers. My friend wrote a science fiction novel. Had the agent ever sold a sci fi novel before? Had the agent any sci fi editorial contacts? The answer was a flat no. My friend went with the editor because the editor was excited about his book and that's the only reason. And oh yeah... an agent... that.

But not all agents are created equally.

Allow me to share my agent journey.

I've had four agents, meaning I am now on my fourth. 

My first agent said, Hey, I'm an agent and I said Cool, will you represent me and she said, Sure I will and we were excited. The problem was that she was an agent just like there are a whole bunch of editors out there. You can't just say you're an agent just like you can't just say you're an editor. First agent had no contacts and no experience, but she did have pugnaciousness. I stayed with her for a few years and got zero out of it.

My second agent worked for a well-known Sci Fi Agency with a well-known clientele. She was and is a cool cat who had all three things necessary for an agent. She had experience, drive and pugnaciousness. I might have stayed with her had it not been for one bad experience. During a BEA one year she had me meet the head of the agency. We all went into a lounge to talk about how to make Weston blow up HUGE and sat around a table. Then for the next 20 minutes, my agent and I sat uncomfortably while the head of the agency read a newspaper. At the end of the 20 minutes, he got up and left. It wasn't long after that I left the agency as well. I know when I'm not welcome.

My third agent also had the three necessary elements and we worked happily together for years. The only reason I left was because I wanted to go to a larger agency.

Now my fourth agent already has interest from several NY editors for my projects, we have several pitches out there, and she got me a Media Tie In novel for Person of Interest (Angry Robot/CBS) all within three months of signing with her. She has all three qualities in spades, especially the pugnaciousness.

What you get in an agent is experience, contacts, and drive-- or what I call pugnaciousness. What you don't get is an automatic career.

Not everyone needs an agent. I know loads of authors who don't have one. Some are already successful and can represent themselves. Others are satisfied with small and medium presses and self publishing. All that is cool. But if you want an agent, there are a few things you should do.

1. Research. If you don't already have one pining to represent you, conduct your own agent research. This should be done especially if you're going to a convention which has pitch sessions. Only pitch to those agents who you think can best represent you. Don't take the first one who likes you. That's like marrying your first date. Sure it works for some, but can you remember who your first date was and can you imagine being married to them? Try the following FREE places to research:

• QueryTracker
• Agent Query
• Preditors and Editors
• Absolute Write

2. More Research. Research the agent\agency. Before submitting or signing with an agency, see if they are a good fit for you. The best way is to pay a few bucks and join Publishers Marketplace. There you can not only review a lot of good agency information fire-walled from the general public, but you can also see what the prospective agent has sold. There's a sales history you can research. I mean, come on. You research what car to buy so why not research what agent could make you the most famous?  

3. Even More Research. Research what manuscripts are wanted. An absolutely phenomenal sight is Manuscript Wish List.  If this site had been around when I first started writing, I think I might have achieved success much quicker. 

4. Know how to pitch your work. Now, this is a blog unto itself. In fact, I've given classes on this. But do these four things when pitching. 

• Pitch yourself first. Give your elevator pitch about who you are. What's an elevator pitch? Here's a good industry definition about construction and here are some examples.
• Compare it to works the agent can easily recognize. Make sure those works are highly successful. If there is no comparison this is good too because it means its high concept so say so. This helps them to immediately categorize and monetize what it is you're trying to get them to sell.

(Title of my book) is like Princess Bride meets Lord of the Flies.

(Title of my book) is like Dune meets The Stand.

• Give a logline- a one sentence line that grabs the agent and provides context.

Example 1: Three film students go missing after traveling into the woods of Maryland to make a documentary about the local legend of a witch, leaving only their footage behind. (The Blair Witch Project)

Example 2: Luke Skywalker, a spirited farm boy, joins rebel forces to save Princess Leia from the evil Darth Vader, and the galaxy from the Empire’s planet-destroying Death Star. (Star Wars...duh)

Example 3: Ben Mason is convinced not to kill himself by a shadowy organization and to instead weaponize his PTSD to better enable him to save the planet from alien invasion. (My novel Grunt Life)

• Now pitch the novel. Begin with an elevator pitch that's concise, well-rehearsed, and informative. Plan to make this about 300 words and practice it until its perfect. Once this is done, you should have piqued the agent to ask questions. Be prepared for these by practicing your pitch on several people. Odds are, they'll ask the same questions as the agent.

Final Word. SFWA has a great information page about agents, including the dos and don'ts. Please go there and read it.

Second Final Word. Know this last thing-- agents should never charge you money for doing anything. They only make money when you make money.

Really, this is my final word. And oh yeah? About my friend? He's relooking things and deciding what to do. I know we all wish him glorious luck.

A Man of Two Tribes (On the HWA and SFWA)

I've joined a new tribe. I haven't left my old one, mind you, but I now have a new tribe. I'm double tribed and people are laughing at me for being that way.

Paula Guran wrote a controversial essay for Locus about ten years ago called Tribal Stand. At the time I was a member of the Horror Writers Association and many of our tribal members took affront at much of what she said. After all, she was questioning our professionalism. She was questioning or talent. She was flinging words around that hurt.

Thanks in large part to the networking capacity of the Internet, the wannabes could, for the first time, easily find their peers. The Net also was an efficient way to set oneself up as a false writing idol. The mud-whiners were, to the wannabes, "real writers" to be looked up to and listened to. The wannabes and the mud-whiners found great strength in one another.

But I never had a problem with what she said, nor in the way she said it. I appreciated the introspective look, especially on the eve of the advent of new publishing technologies and new distribution methods.

One new catalyst the bad seeds of dark fiction used to sap the strength from horror: the onslaught, in the late 1990s, of new ways to "publish." The Web provided newbies — and nascent fan-writers rungs below even them in ability — a quick, cheap way to declare themselves. [Let it be noted that this writer benefited directly and to a far greater degree than most from becoming a "Web-writer." But that is another subject.] Then CD-ROM, print-on-demand, and other self-service options easily allowed the "publication," so to speak, of work that never had to pass muster before a real editor. Neither these new "writers," nor their "editors," had to meet any sort of Standard at all.

Out of this has emerged what we might call the "miniscule press." The primary fallacy — "anybody can be a writer" — has exacerbated into "anybody can be a publisher." Miniscule horror press consists in part of what we used to call self-publishing or vanity publishing. In part it promotes the Publishing Buddy System: A buddy of yours becomes your publisher; you become your buddy's publisher. No one ever has to deal with an editor's opinion, judgment or, for that matter, assistance. (Most don't even have to be slowed down by something as mundane as copy-editing.) No one has to work and re-work a story or novel and improve it to the point of acceptability. No one needs to learn the craft of writing. No one even needs to fill in plot holes the size of Lake Erie or to be told a story lacks logic or characterization or is an overdone cliché.

Paula was and is right. Although many of us sought a rubric to achieve higher standards, even more of us did not. We all had our own reasons, some selfish, some peurile, but these reasons were our own. We all have to look in the mirror in the morning and validate the things we call ourselves. For me, I needed to go the traditional route. I needed a New York publisher to tell me I was a writer. I needed international fans to tell me I was a writer. I needed college professors from England to email me and fawn over my work. I couldn't just be one because my friends said I was. What self-respecting tribe does that?

Native tribes from around the world force their young men (and sometimes women) to strike out

alone, survive something, suffer, achieve, then return before they could be called members of the tribe. Professional writing organizations have this as well. My first tribe, the Horror Writers Association (HWA), has a professionalism rubric. My new second tribe, the Science Fiction And Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA), has their own professionalism rubric.  A writer has to go out on his own, write something, and have it professionally published for X amount of money before they are considered a professional. Right?

Not exactly. I'm a full-time soldier. I'm a twenty-four hour warrior for the good and hammer to the bad. I don't take time off. I'm on call 24/7. I'm the same sort of professional as I am a warrior. Being a professional is not a one time demonstration of ability. It's a lifetime commitment. It's a desire to continue and improve your own writing, as well as those within your tribe.

From time to time there's an incestuousness within tribes that prolgates an idea that skewers professionalism. It's the idea that we have to stick together. Us against them. I've seen it in military units and I've seen it in writing. It's usually because the voices of those who can't or won't be professional are louder than those who are professional.

Paula said it well here when she said--

The princes and princesses of the miniscule press read each other — as well as many in the almost-small press and the smallest of the mass market — congratulate each other, publish each other, edit each other, blurb each other, review each other, recommend each other for awards, twirl around together in an unending incestuous dance of parochialism while giving the finger to anyone who dares mention something as passé as a standard of excellence. Professionalism? You'll find more of that in any Girl Scout during the annual cookie sale.

Yes, we're talking about awards. One of the best and worst things to ever happen to writing organizations. Up front, I was awarded the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in First Novel in 2005 and I've also been a finalist for a Bram Stoker five other times. But when award season comes around, people get nasty. They point out things like, why are all the organization officers winning awards? Is it because they are that good, or is it because they get free advertising because their names are always up front and center? Or, how come they always vote for the same five people? Sure they have the name recognition, but look at my book or that book over there or this book right here.

Awards are like unicycles. They are rare, nice to have, cool to talk about, fun to ride, but not something you can sit on while actually writing.

A professional points out to members of his tribe when they were screwing up. A professional mentors and uplifts other members of his or her tribe. A professional doesn't stir the pot and walk away. A professional tries to find solutions to problems. A professional doesn't quit.

When I announced I'd joined SFWA, I got a lot of snide and sarcastic remarks. I've heard these same remarks said about the HWA. Bottom line is that I am a professional and I want to belong to professional organizations. If they have problems, then I'd like to be part of the solutions. An organization is only as good as its members.

I chose a very strict definition of tribe for the purpose of this essay, so please allow me to ease out of my rigid stance for a moment. I previously said that SFWA and HWA are tribes. While this is true, science fiction writers are a tribe. Horror writers are a tribe. Fantasy writers are a tribe. And believe it or not, writers are a tribe. SFWA and HWA are merely two socio-political-economic constructs designed to promote professionalism and to provide support to writers.

So I'm really a man of many tribes.

A tribe is only as good as its members.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do in these organizations. So far, I've created and managed HWAs Linked In Account. I've managed websites for HWA. I've arranged events, created their continuing and hightly successful round table discussion forums. I've also mentored several young writers, one of whom has gone on  to receive his PHD and another who is currently short-listed for an International Thriller Writers Award for Short Fiction (Oh yeah, I'm a member of that tribe too.).

But there's more to do.

I'm as  busy as any professional writer. I have projects stacked up for eighteen months. But these are my tribes. I have to find the time. If I can mentor a writer and write a book while stationed in Afghanistan, then there's no excuse for me. I guess I can make it happen.

So ready or not, tribes, here I am.

Just one guy trying to be a professional writer in a dog-eat-dog world.


Weston Ochse is the author of twenty books, most recently two SEAL Team 666 books, which the New York Post called 'required reading' and USA Today placed on their 'New and Notable List of 2012.' His newest novel is Grunt Life and is already in its second printing. Visit him online at www.westonochse.com

Finishing School

Ever feel so overwhelmed you can’t finish? I’m talking anything. Like running a 5K for instance. You look up and it seems so far away you just say f#ck it and quit. Or you have so many writing deadlines that you can’t concentrate. It’s just too damn much. This applies to school, to life, to anything. I know we’ve all been there. I know we’ve listened to the niggly voice whispering in our ear to quit. We ignore it at first, but then it changes tactics and makes us rationalize.

It’s not so bad.

A lot of people don’t finish.

No one will know.

How often do you listen to it?

How often do you fall victim to it?

There’s a TV show I found while cruising the Direct TV menu last year when I returned from Afghanistan. In fact, it’s how I discovered that one of my favorite magazines has a TV channel – Esquire. The show was titled Boundless and featured two Canadians who travel the world doing ultra-marathons and insane bike races in places like Africa, South Asia, Austria, etc. Simon Donato and Paul “Turbo” Trebilcock are the two crazy guys. Turbo is about my age, while Simon is ten years younger. These aren’t young men. And they don’t finish in first place. But in most of these, they do finish, which is most important

What I like most about this show is when they’re narrating their own success or failure and they talk about that voice in their head, the rationalization that creeps into their desire to finish, and how they react to it. I’ve seen Turbo fall victim to it and overcome it and it totally hits home. 

In some odd way, Turbo is me.

A lot of years preceding my deployment to Afghanistan, I was a quitter. I quit exercising because it hurt. I gained 80 pounds. I rationalized like a Grand Master. Truly, I was a genius at it. I had an excuse for everything. Even as I plodded around as Mr. Fatty McFatty acting like I was the King of Awesome, I rationalized that I was old and a disabled vet. If anyone deserved to not exercise and to be a rotund person, it was me.

But as I prepared for my deployment, I decided that I wanted to change. I needed to change. The doc looked at me during my predeployment physical and told me I was in bad shape. Where was that voice then? Little f#cker had abandoned me.

So I deployed and began to learn to finish.

I saw men and women I was in awe of.

I saw a soldier with a prosthetic leg who’d returned to war. If anyone had an excuse to quit, he did. 

I watched people’s eyes and I could tell which ones were rationalizers and which ones were finishers. 

I met a lot of operators who had that look in their eyes where one glance and you could tell that they would never quit.

I coveted that look.

I wanted that look.

So I curated that look.

Since June of last year, I’ve never not finished a distance run I’d set out to do. Often, if I feel like quitting, I’ll run farther. Just the other day, I felt like dog sh#t. My legs were a thousand pound tree trunks, my body was tired, I wanted to do nothing more than quit. But I had to exercise. So I was going to toss off a quick 3K. Halfway through that voice returned. It niggled in my ear like a sweet little earwig, rationalizing like it had for so many years.

It whispered.

It cajoled.

It pretended I hadn’t banished it.

And it pissed me off.

So I ran 5K.

This has bled into my writing. This spring I had a novel, 4 stories and a novella to finish. It seemed so overwhelming…almost impossible. But I did it. I finished all of my deadlines.

How do you do it?

How do you ignore that voice?

How do you finish?

My latest novel I wrote in Afghanistan

Here’s the great secret. It’s a very complicated four step process handed down person-to-person from the original Grand Masonic Order of the Dali Lama. I'm probably going to get in trouble for sharing, but hell, if you're reading my blog and reading my books then you deserve it.

So here it is.

Ready?

Step 1 – Want it.

Step 2 – Ignore the f#cking voice.

Step 3 – Do it.

Step 4 – Rinse, repeat.

Stephen and Turbo follow this process. They don’t always succeed, but damned if they don’t try. I only run a few kilometers and am able to ignore the voice. But they chew life in large chunks. They run 100 kilometers  at a time which gives that voice a lot longer to whisper to them. It gets so hard. You feel for them watching the program. Don’t listen to the voice, you scream at the TV, but of course they can’t hear.

That should be your mantra - Don’t listen to the voice.

How much more success would you have if you ignored the voice, or if the voice was silent?

I watch Boundless to see them succeed. I watch it to see them overcome the voice.

The last episode was the first episode of Season 2. They’re in Austria competing in a mountain bike marathon in Europe: the 137-mile Salzkammergut race in Austria. I thought of my old friend La Kelly when I watched it. She’s a professional mountain biker. I wonder if she ever competed in the race. If she did, I guarantee she ignored the voice. She seems to have her own inner voice that drowns out the evil one. I think that her desire to get the most out of life is greater than the voice's ability to stop her.

This desire is something I’ve been trying to curate within myself. I’ve embraced nature. I’ve returned to fishing. I have a kayak now that I use to be one with the water. I can stare at the world and smile, picking the beauty from it wherever I am. This strategy silences that voice like none other.

I’ll do almost anything to keep that voice silent.

Turbo did too. In the last episode of Boundless, he almost fell victim to it. It almost convinced him to quit. But he overcame it. He ignored it, squashed it like the pathetic little imp it is, and finished the 137 mile race. He did it by not thinking about the distance, but thinking about the road in front of him. It's like when you run. You don't stare at the horizon. You stare at the ground in front of you. You concentrate on the next step, not the last step. 

Or writing novels. I'm from the Tom Piccirilli School of Writing. Sometime way back in the beginning of my writing he imparted this wisdom. Write 5 pages a day, everyday. That equals 90,000 words in three months which is a novel. Five pages seems doable. 90,000 words seems terrifying. And it works too. I wrote the third SEAL Team 666 book in three months.

This is me 4 months after Finishing School

You see, Afghanistan was my finishing school. It taught me so much. Look at that word—finishing. When you’re finished there’s no going back. You’re finished. In this case, finished listening to that voice and I’m never going back.

Not everyone can go to Afghanistan for finishing school. I get that. You're listening to the voice. Block it out and listen to me. Finishing school can be whatever you call it. It can be whenever you want it. All you have to do is follow those four secret steps handed down from the Grand Master Mason of the Dali Lama.

Step 1 – Want it.

Step 2 – Ignore the f#cking voice.

Step 3 – Do it.

Step 4 – Rinse, repeat.

What are you waiting for?

~ ~ ~

Weston Ochse is the author of twenty books, most recently two SEAL Team 666 books, which the New York Post called 'required reading' and USA Today placed on their 'New and Notable List of 2012.' His newest novel is Grunt Life and is already in its second printing. Visit him online at www.westonochse.com

My Examined Life - The Turned On Writer

As much as I might try and surface-read something, I can't help but become invested as I find myself agreeing and disagreeing about someone else's ideas of who a writer is, what a writer does, and the ownership of a writer's work. Even if the person who wrote the referenced article is a writer.

Especially if the person who wrote the article is a writer.

Phyllis Rose wrote a wonderful article in The American Scholar which I read the other day. While sitting at my computer array in Afghanistan, processing classified information on one system, and checking edits on my science fiction novel in progress on another, I relished Ms. Rose playing with the idea that when you meet an author, you aren't meeting the author. This idea is predicated on the idea that authors take breaks, turn themselves off, and present only those parts of themselves they want their readership--the rest of the world-- to see. I can buy the last part, but there's no way I can turn myself off. Not even a little bit. And as far as presenting to the world only those pieces of ourselves we want to present? We all do that, reader, writer, mechanic, soldier, and do-nut maker.

Author Playing Soldier in Afghanistan

But Ms.Rose, flexing her considerable talents, was playing with us. This thesis and her supporting facts were presented merely to show how this really couldn't be true. In fact, she soon comes to the heart of her article, this brilliant and beautiful paragraph which I provide here for you to read unsullied by my grimy soldier man hands.

"I have always loved Roland Barthes’s essay, “The Writer on Holiday.” This is what I remembered its saying: the writer is never on holiday. When Flaubert is in Egypt, going to brothels, he is really at work. When Henry James goes to dinner parties, he is at work. When Dickens produces theatricals, he is at work. Everything writers do is valuable because everything they do, potentially, is inspiration. Nothing in a writer’s life is wasted. Since ultimately what we all want most is to have our time on earth prove to be valuable, we examine writers’ lives to learn how to turn whatever happens to us into something useful or beautiful. Writers are models of creative alchemy, and at the heart of our interest in their lives is the appeal—mythic, perhaps—of a life in which everything counts. (Cite)"

Even Having Lunch In L.A. I Co-opt one of the staff

When I travel to L.A. for a book signing, I am at work. When I am running down a desert road, staring suspiciously at the edge of the road for a rattlesnake, I am at work. When I fish I am at work. When I'm with my family I am at work. And when I am serving a tour of duty in a combat zone I am at work. Rest assured that although part of me is processing material for a future creative effort, the greater part of me is keeping myself safe and prosecuting the war to the enemy as best as my ability allows.

Ms. Rose point out that 'we want to understand the mystery of creation. We are not satisfied with the sacral view of the writer. We want to learn the secret of creativity, because it can be the secret to happiness. We turn to all kinds of literature, biography and fiction both, to learn how to live, and in a way, all books are self-help books.'

I own my own share of biographies. From Bradbury to Heinlein, Douglas to Brando, Puller to Jefferson, Kipling to Barker, I have tomes upon tomes of works about those who have achieved the pinnacles of success. Do I have them because I want to relive their achievements one vicarious chapter at a time? In part. But like most of you, I also want to discover the grand secret to writing the great novel. I want to know what mystical elixer they drank or what mountaintop-living monk they spoke with. The secret is in there, I just have to read it close enough to figure it out.

And the secret is in the books, only it's not the secret we think. Elixers, mountaintop-living monks, magic pills, and sea sprites notwithstanding, the secret it to always be turned on. Many of us have day jobs. A great many of these jobs are boring beyond belief, jobs which we perform so we can spend the rest of our lives writing and creating. Regardless of what we call ourselves when others ask what we do, we have to think of ourselves as writers first. While our jobs may have regular hours, a writer is never off.

Writing is an occupation.

Writing is a conviction.

Writing is a necessity.

A job is a means of feeding ourselves, keeping a roof over our heads, and allowing us a few spare coveted moments of writing.

I'll say it again. To be a writer is to be always on. From an anatomical perspective, each of us has voluntary and involuntary muscles. Involuntary muscles are those which allow us to breath and pump blood through your body. Voluntary muscles are those which allow us to walk, talk, lift a pencil and write, or to sit at a keyboard and type. Opening ourselves to the universe is an involuntary function. The great secret is that we are always breathing in our surroundings. How else can we suddenly remember something we barely even realized we knew? Or understand a concept which hadn't been taught to us since the sixth grade? This is purely automatic and goes on without you even knowing.

This is my screensavor

Creativity is the same way. It's a simple process to adjust our great intergalactic scoop of knowledge gathering into a creative machine. All we have to do is acknowledge and reaffirm our position as creator. Once affirmed, our mind works behind the scenes for us. How many times have you sat at a keyboard or addressed pencil to paper not knowing what you were going to say, only to come away hours later with thousands of words, not knowing from whence they came. The words and thoughts were always there. You collected them without knowing it, processed them without realizing it, and your mind has been waiting for the opportunity to provide them based on the application of the appropriate trigger.

This trigger is where the magic begins. We don't know what it is but we do know how to summon it. Sit down, address the page, and write. Write anything. Think of your blank page as your Field of Dreams. If you build it they will come. But instead of the ghosts of dead baseball players, you'll find the page populated by other things (unless of course you are writing about dead baseball players).

In Neil Gaiman's seminal novel, American Gods, he says, 'That is the eternal folly of man.To be chasing after sweet flesh, without realizing that it is simply a pretty cover for the bones.' This was applied to how one person sees another. Although this extraordinary truism is directed at the continual hunt for the opposite sex based on beauty, it also can be used to refer to our own search for how others write and succeed.

But it all begins with being turned on.

My Newest Novel On Sale Now

Recognize who you are.

Affirm who you are.

Present yourself to the page.

Create.

Rinse.

Repeat.

--- --- ---

Weston Ochse has spent 29 years in the military in one shape or fashion. He's a world traveler and an internationally best-selling author of high action fiction. Please Note: This article is copyrighted by Weston Ochse. Any reproduction in whole or in part without the author’s permission is prosecutable by public law. If you'd like to borrow part of this or see it reprinted, contact me here. I'll probably say yes.  I'm that kind of guy. You can link to this article. Thank you. © 2013

The Vicissitudes of Being Edited - Toward vs Towards

Here I am, once again, going through edits on this, my eleventh novel. It's an interesting process. I'm pretty open to most edits, after all, I am a product of the Tennessee education system of the late 1970s and early 1980s, which received the least amount of money per child than any other state at the time. Therefore, I understand my own faults. I'm also a product of pop culture, so I tend to spell things in the popular manner, instead of the appropriate manner, sometimes.

Frankly, I'm just happy to be edited by real competent people. Thank you St. Martin's Press and Thomas Dunne Books for assigning a platoon of Ivy League graduates to assault edit SEAL Team 666: Age of Blood. I can always use a good edit. Hell, as is the case, I can always use five good edits. Bring them on.

One of the funny things, though, is I can always tell when someone is trained in British grammar or U.S. grammar. Or more specifically, I can always tell whether The Element of Style by Strunk and White or The Chicago Manual of Style is their grammar reference.

Geoffrey K. Pullum in a NY Times article says, 'The anodyne style advice that Strunk and White offers is harmless enough,' but their 'simplistic don’t-do-this, don’t-write-that instructions offered in the book would not guarantee good writing if they were obeyed.' The article continues to quote others about the book's shortfalls, but the one thing about The Elements of Style is that it is pleasantly short and to the point. Truly, The Elements of Style is a thin book, if whose pages were torn and rolled, could be smoked in a matter of days, if not hours.

Wherein The Chicago Manual of Style is a prodigous tome which could be used as a lethal weapon.

But does size matter?

There are many who would say it always matters. On that subject, I'll defer, but as far as grammar, because I'm from the U.S. and writing primarily for a U.S. market, I refer to the Chicago Manual of Style.

What's the difference, you ask? Here's an example with whether to use that or which. Also, here Absolute Write people pine about the books in kind of a funny way.

There's also the serial comma. Dear lord, arguments about this havecaused wars.

PRO SERIAL COMMA: "By train, plane and sedan chair, Peter Ustinov retraces a journey made by Mark Twain a century ago. The highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector." Languagehat dug this gem out of a comment thread on the serial comma. It's from a TV listing in The Times. It supports the use of the Oxford comma, but only because it keeps Mandela from being a dildo collector. However, even the Oxford comma can't keep him from being an 800-year-old demigod. There's only so much a comma can do.
 

I've been converted to the serial comma because my NY Editors like it and because of my appreciation for Nelson Mandela.

But now I'm facing a different dilemma.  The use of the word toward or towards, as in showing direction to an object or a place.

Which one is correct?

I'm afraid that both of them are. Yep. You have it right. The British way is towards and the U.S. way is toward. In some space-time-continuem insanity, it seems that I've been using the British way and assing the s every time. In What Tim Lebbon-running, Sarah Pinborough-Chardonnay Drinking, Neil Gaiman-singing British universe have I found myself in? I didn't even know I was there.

So what do my Ivy League-trained, serial-comma-loving-NY-publishers want? The American way. Check out Mirriam Webster for the reasoning.

I feel bad for the line editor. He corrected my towards to toward 185 times in this manuscript. I hope he was paid well for each one. In fact, if he was paid for each one, I might be his favorite client.

So onward and upward, towards toward success I go. Soon, I shall learn the lessons, which that that which I should learn to be the author of which editors dream. HAHA

Seriously. And here I sit in Afghanistan, editing, contemplating editing, and editing.

Sigh.

As my wife says, this is what makes me a professional.

Cheers

Weston Ochse
Kabul, Afghanistan

The Fourth Third of Novel Writing

I'm writing my tenth novel. With the exception of the first novel, which took more than two years to complete, my writing, as it applies to novels, follows an established pattern. This pattern has remained unbroken since 2002, and will probably remain unbroken until I finally succumb to my arch-nemesis. I thought it would change, hell, I hoped it would change, but it looks like this is my particular style. So, I now present to you my four thirds of novel writing.

The First Third. The characters are fresh in my head. I don't really know them, but I'm eager to do so. I mean, come on, they are so damned interesting. The plot is still the best plot anyone has ever conceived. My working title is brilliant. The writing is crisp and awesome and absolutely bound to be the winner of at the very least a National Book Award. My god, I am so good and this is so much fun, how come I'm not writing two books right now instead of one. Wait? Is that Stephen King calling for advice? I'll put him on hold. I don't have the time. I'm too busy being perfect.

The Second Third. My characters are stupid and they suck. I can't even remember who they are. They all merge into silly pretenders who shouldn't even be characters on a daytime soap opera. And who's the asshat who came up with this plot? Seriously? Does Marvel comics know you've stolen their formula for Overused Plot #14? And dude, what the fuck is up with all of the gerunds you keep slapping in sentences. Don't you know it's illegal in seventeen states? And another thing. Split Infinitives is not a Marvel superhero alternate world character arc! It's a crime!

The Third Third. I calm down. I go back, I massage the text and realize it's not even half as bad as I thought. In fact, had I not listened to my inner Satan, I'd be finished by now. Self Doubt is a cowardly arch viillian and my long time arch-nemesis and it can strike down even the best of us, without warning and without mercy. I don't actually get a lot of writing done during this period, but by the time I'm finished with the Third Third, I'm on the downward slope of the novel, into act three, and sliding head first towards the final climactic set pieces. Everything is going to be just fine. I might not be awesome, but I'm pretty damn good. I find my pride beginning to return.

The Fourth Third. Wait, who are the characters? What are they doing? Do you mean you're getting paid actual money to write this dribble? What? You mean you've already been paid? Don't you think you should give the money back. Fuck you. No. Fuck you. Leave me alone and go bother Brian Keene. Fuck you, he's too strong for us. Then go bother John Skipp. He's a lot of fun. He knows porn stars. No triple fuck you. Skipp has the  +5 Cloak of Self Doubt Protection. I can't get past it. (-- an internal battle ensues too graphic for this page, involving Facebook, Twitter, Googling old college roommates, browsing vintage clothes on Ebay, rearranging my library chronologically according to author's birth dates  genre, and publisher, rebuilding my website, drinking great gobs of wine, writing articles about writing, and singing along to old Brittany Spears videos) Then, in a passion-filled two weeks, I finish the first draft of the novel, keeping one step ahead of my arch-nemesis. By the time I type THE END, I'm restless to be done with this book and move on to something else, to go somewhere my arch-nemesis doesn't frequent.

But that's not it.

You thought it was over, didn't you.

The Fifth Third. Eventually you'll have to return to your novel, unless you're a LuLu author or have your girlfriend/mother/sister/brother/aunt edit it for you followed by you self-publishing it and spending the next four years sitting behind card tables at craft fairs and conventions calling yourself an author. In this fifth third, you're impassioned  You've already fought so many battles, you're a tired warrior. You find yourself hacking and slashing the first brilliant third of you novel like sleep-sundered Conan after he wakes up in the Land of the Lotus-eaters. By the time you've finished your edit, the novel is more lean and filled with less brilliance. It is now a work you can turn loose upon a legion of real editors. If you're lucky enough to work for a major publishing house, you'll have half a dozen editors, many fresh out of an Ivy League college stuck being an editor until they can write their own great American novel. These editors know more about grammar and sentence structure than you'll ever know. If you're not so lucky, your cousin Gregg and his fiance will edit it with post-it notes, followed by a group of beta readers whose knowledge of the English language was learned through comic books and role-playing games, and an endless string of Tolkien pretenders (like your own). However it's done, the novel needs edited many times. It's gone from brilliant to craptacular back to moderately good. Will it ever be brilliant again? That's not for you to decide. That's for the Readerverse. In fact, you don't care. By now you're working on your next novel, and let me tell you, it is fucking brilliant.

Social Media Audits and SEAL Porn Tattoos

Do any of you pay any attention who reads your blogs? I know my mom does, thanks mom. And my wife, thanks, hon. And of course my agent, thanks Bob. But other than that, I don't know who reads me. Or why. Or where they are? Or anything about them.

In fact, why is it important?

Well, it seem that St. Martin's Press is pretty sophisticated. They conduct social media audits of their authors' sites. In fact, I was found wanting.

Wanting? Me? Seriously? Like I don't spend enough time trying to convince other people how awesome I am? Really? Does this social media person realize that I have a Klout Score of 68?

But they they explained.

And they were right.

I was wanting... a better way to express myself and provide information to fans, friends and potential stalkers.

Many of you might have noticed that I redid my blogger. Color, scheme, font size, added pages, etc. This is result of what I have come to refer to as The Audit!

Conducted by St. Martin's Press Social Media Audit Agent, better known as Paul, the audit was pretty robust. I followed as many of the recommendations as I could... my accomplishment of some of them were limited to my ability to understand cascading style sheets (which is zero). But I worked on them nonetheless. I don't want to upset Paul. I want Paul to be happy. After all, Paul has the ability to change my fortune with a few punches at the keyboard.

Hi Paul, We love you! Ignore the woman to my right. She's not sticking out her tongue at you.
She thinks you're a doctor.

But I was asked about the analytics. What are they telling me about those folks who come to my site? What are they telling me about you?

Well...

It tells me that 31% of you use Firefox, 29% of you use Chrome, and 20% of you use IE. That tells me you are technologically savvy and realize that the free browser that came with your computer might not be the best. It means you take the time to choose. Less than 1% of you use Maxthon and Rockmelt browsers. Those sound cool, but I have no idea who they are. My guess is they are android viewer platforms.

Eighty percent of you come from a windows based computer system, which makes you like me.

Most people find me through google. Recent searches parameters include the words porn, SEAL, and tattoo. So my goal is to have at least one post a week that uses these words in the title.

And thank you Slovenians! More of you have visited my site than the French, Italians, Canadians, and Thais. I seriously have to get the German's more involved. They're last in the list of countries where you are from.

I also have an unusual amount of left-handed readers. With 10% of the population left-handed, I have 32% left-handed readership.I wonder what that means?

That's a good start on the analytics. Once I dive a little deeper into the data, I'll be able to get more information to you and Paul.

What are your recommendations? How could I do better? What do you want to see more of? Less of?

Now off to work on my next blog post, SEAL Tattoos Porn Picture of Snookie and Lady Gaga! 



PS. Shout out to Kym and Steph! Thanks for slogging through my drek!

Possible New Bio for Your Approval

After careful consideration and with the absence of reservation, I've firmly decided that this might be my next bio. I think it says it all without saying much, and includes enough information to give grist to identity thieves.

But I leave it up to you.

I’m a literary stuntman, superhero for rent, yakuza of the written word and a cowboy in the boat of Ra. You can find me under S in the Yellowpages, but not under R. I’ve been to more than 50 countries, speak two Asian languages with pathetic currency, have dipped my toes in the Coral Sea, hiked the Great Wall of China, peed in the Danube, and played ping pong on Wake Island. I eat life in great gulps and only rest when I’m forced to. Given the choice to read, write, or travel the world, I’d do all three then shoot the man who made me choose. I’m a pacifist with a killer’s knowledge, spent 28 years in the military, and can break down a 50 caliber machine gun blindfolded. I like long walks on the beach, poems by Ginsberg, and would chew off my left arm if it meant I could eat Seafood at every meal. I was born south of Devil’s Tower, Wyoming with a herd of other misplaced Welshmen in the county named after my ancestor. I was raised in the pastoral splendor of Chattanooga, Tennessee, loved living in the cultural whirlwind of Los Angeles, and will someday spend my days in a perfect spot where the water is to my front and a mountain is to my back and my wine cellar is always full. Until then, I live in the Sonoran Desert where I wile away my days racing tarantula wasps, watching border patrol Death Race 2000 and the black helicopters dance along the horizon. Oh, and I write, too.

What do you think?

IndieBound, Independent Bookstores and SEAL Team 666

Have any of you ever been to IndieBound?

Those of you who have know what a terrific resource it is. Those who haven't need to keep reading.

Essentially, IndieBound is a community of independent bookstore owners, writers and readers. It's a way to find bookstores near you, whether you are at home or traveling. It's also a way to get to know bookstores and booksellers and order books from them without leaving your home. Sort of like Amazon, but a lot more personal.

But don't listen to me, here's their mission statement in their own words:

IndieBound is a community-oriented movement begun by the independent bookseller members of the American Booksellers Association. It brings together booksellers, readers, indie retailers, local business alliances, and anyone else with a passionate belief that healthy local economies help communities thrive. Supporting local, indie businesses means that dollars, jobs, diversity, choice, and taxes stay local, creating strong, unique communities and happy citizens.

It's a powerful tool for booksellers to communicate their part in a national movement supporting independents--and lets everyone know just how many independent bookstores there are. It's powerful for authors to show their dedication to indies nationwide, easily done through linking to thousands of indie bookstores through IndieBound.org. It's powerful because IndieBound encompasses and supports all types of independent retailers, not just booksellers--and local or regional shop local campaigns and independent business alliances, as well. And it's powerful for consumers to feel a part of a larger movement, to know that their choices make a difference and that others are working toward the same goals.

I've been a member for years. I love IndieBound.

What'd you say? What about Barnes and Nobles? No, they're not the enemy. They're booksellers just like the rest of them and deserve absolute respect. One of the differences, though, between an Indie bookstore and Barnes and Nobles is that an Indie can choose what so sell and how to sell their books, while B&N decides that through corporate decision making.

I've found some of the neatest bookstores through this...

Book Soup in West Hollywood has write-ups for all their books done by the staff

Myself, Sam Sykes coolly admire the swirls James A. Owen uses in his autograph while signing at The Poisoned Pen

Atalanta Books is in Historic Bisbee. Just a terrific location. And the author sits outside and gets to talk to everyone.

And if you join and if you have a hankering to, add SEAL Team 666 to your IndieBound wish list. It doesn't mean you have to buy it, but it shows the community that there is interest in this book. The more people who see that there is interest, the more likely they are to stock SEAL Team 666 in their stores.

You can do that here- SEAL Team 666.

Or just click on over to INDIEBOUND and support your independent book seller.

Please do it today.

Thanks!

I Dream of Hank Moody - Californication

An author's commentary on the things he likes in life...

CALIFORNICATION

They call it a dramedy-- a Hollywood word for a comedy that's a drama and a drama that's a comedy. Isn't that how life is? Isn't it a dramedy, too?

I just finished watching the final episode of Season 5 of the Showtime series Californication. I had it recorded, but in one of those terrifically-timed Direct TV moments, the TIVO decided to record only the first five minutes of that episode, so I was left breathless all this time until I found a free episode on the web.

So it was almost five months later that I saw it.

But before that, let me tell you a little about me and Hank Moody. If you haven't met him, he's an award-winning novelist, living the life in L.A. trying to make it as a writer. He's a broken toy. He's morally bankrupt, except for some surprising sparks that elevate the other 99% of his behavioral. He's an addict-- to alcohol, to drugs and to being miserable. He loves his wife and he loves his daughter, but he loves himself more (or is it that he hates himself more than he loves them).

But behind all the terrible, Hank is Don Quixote tilting at the windmills of life. He's the indestructible hero, forever battling the legions trying to bring him down. He's Sisyphus, pushing his ego up the hill, only to see it roll back down to be pushed up once more, at the beginning and end of every season.

I can relate to Hank Moody in so many ways. I've been him. I've been stupid and I've been great. I've found myself in situations where I've gone one way, usually the moral way, and Hank Moody has gone the other. I've seen what could have been and it's not pretty. Hank is who we all could have been if we lacked moral filters. Still, for as bad as he is, Hank Moody is that terrible man who continually fucks up that you have eternal hope for.

That's why when I saw the final episode of season 5, where he was about to abandon his life and move in with his wife and daughter and live an upstanding life, only to be overdosed by an ex-lover who couldn't let him go... I almost cried. He was so close. He was there. All he had to do was to not have that drink she offered him.

But you know what? In classic Hank Moody style, he couldn't say no. He just had to have one more of something, anything, in this case a dope-laced highball of fuck-it-all-let's-end-it whiskey.

Californication is in my top five favorite shows on television. It always has been.I pay for Showtime so I can get 12 episodes of Californication. All the rest of the time I ignore it. Yes, even the softcore porn. There's also the advent of David Duchovny. When I used to see David Duchovny, I thought of Fox Mulder. That time is long since gone. He's Hank Moody all the way and he's as cool as Steve McQueen.

Yeah. I said it.

And now I discover that in 2013 there's going to be a Season 6.

Which means Hank Moody didn't die.

That's cool, but it's also fucking sad because it also means he didn't get the life (I think and hope) he deserves.

His ego ball has rolled down the hill and for one more season I will happily (morosely) watch him push it back up the hill.

Waiting impatiently for 2013.

Hank Moody!

Call me.

We gotta talk.

You need some better advice.

Revolver: Where Subplot Trumps the Plot

I saw the movie Revolver. This is not a review, but rather a comment on plot construction anyone can use, whether it be a screenwriter or a novelist.

Filmed by Guy Ritchie, Revolver stars Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Vincent Pastore, Andre 3000 and a host of British bad guys that I'm sure my friends in England recognize. Revolver premiered in 2005. Guy Ritchie films have a certain style to them that I appreciate. He's sort of the love child of Akira Kurosawa and Quintin Tarantino to me. So I approached Revolver with that sort of anticipation.

But Ritchie pulled a David Lynch.

And I HATE Lynch. In fact, Mulhulland Drive makes me want to shoot myself in the head (Silencio)!

But I loved Revolver. So in this case, Ritchie out-Lynched Lynch.

So what's the big deal about Revolver and why have you never heard of it.

It was panned in England where it was released. It got 1/2 out of 5 stars. It took a while for it to get to the U.S. Only after adding some scenes and re-editing, did it come here, but even then, no one saw it.

Even though there are spoilers, I think you should still watch it.In fact, you can see it for free here. And if you want to know about what I have to say about plot construction, then I'm afraid you'll have to read below.

But it's only a little spoilage.

Not a lot.

I promise.

***SPOILERS***

IMDB has a very credible synopsis, so I won't repeat what it's already said. Instead, let me share with you the ending of the synopsis, then talk about it for a brief moment.

The movie's plot or throughline is about one man being tricked into helping another two men convince a second set of two men, in this case, major gangsters, that they are out to get each other. Filled with terrific Guy Ritchie action and dialogue, the movie has everything I love in a movie.

But the subplot is what makes it great. Interwoven like a sinus wave along the plot line is the idea that ego can so take control of you that it can turn your life into a game. It further states that if you listen to it, you become a victim of yourself. It's a pretty complicated idea, probably why English seemed to dislike it and it was only shown on 18 screens in the U.S. It was definitely hard to Grok.

But the majesty of the construction of the movie is that while you're watching the action of the plot, the subplot is weaving through and past you, so well, that in the end, the plot doesn't really matter at all. It was the subplot all along that was the most important. In this case, I think the disservice to both the plot and the subplot came with the ending. If you're going to try and do something like Ritchie did, you're going to have to wrap it up a little more neatly.  Nothing let's an audience or a reader get what you're trying to say than a little denoueument after the conclusion of the action.

The dénouement (pronounced /deɪnuːˈmɑ̃ː/, /deɪnuːˈmɒn/, or UK /deɪˈnuːmɑ̃ː/; French: [denuˈmɑ̃]) comprises events between the falling action and the actual ending scene of the drama or narrative and thus serves as the conclusion of the story. Conflicts are resolved, creating normality for the characters and a sense of catharsis, or release of tension and anxiety, for the reader. Etymologically, the French word dénouement is derived from the Old French word denoer, "to untie", and from nodus, Latin for "knot." Simply put, dénouement is the unraveling or untying of the complexities of a plot.(cite)

And that, my friends, takes skill, especially when we are so wrapped up in the plot (or the game as the movies says), that we discover all the things we missed, only too late.

Similar films include Donnie Darko and The Usual Suspects. You'll also find aspects of numerology and the Kabbalah heavily influenced the film and were used to construct the subplot.

Have you seen it? What are your thoughts?

Example Pitch - Pitch It So They Can Hit It!

I've had quite a few emails and requests to provide an example of my advice on pitching your book (read Pitch It So They Can Hit It first so you can see what I'm talking about). I hesitate to share some of my own projects currently making the rounds, so I came up with a book pitch for the Hobbit.

So imagine if you will, JRR Tolkien is a struggling author. He learns of a publisher looking for high fantasy. He knows that  publisher is as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest and knows that he has but one shot to make it. Does he create an in-depth, heavily-worded summary totaling 10,000 words, or does he opt for something in the 330 word category and stick to one page. In my universe, he does the latter... and the rest, my friends is history.

So here is the pitch provided two ways-- the original, and reproduced after.

Here it is for those of you who have a hard time reading it.

THE HOBBIT

Book Pitch by JRR Tolkien

(Beginning) Bilbo Baggins, a half-man-sized hobbit living in Middle Earth, is persuaded by the wizard Gandalf to leave his content existence and adventure with a group of thirteen high-excitable Dwarves to reclaim the treasure of the vile dragon Smaug. The dwarves question the choice of Bilbo, who is obviously afraid even of his own shadow, but end up deferring to Gandalf, who has attained legend status with many different groups, including their own. (Throughline) Together the adventurers encounter and defeat Trolls, recuperate at an Elvin stronghold, fight against goblins, giant spiders, evil wolves, encounter shape-changing men and a whole host of dangers, on their way to Lonely Mountain, where Smaug sleepily guards Thorin’s treasure. (Subplot)Interwoven throughout the narrative is an exploration of the question whether or not greed is inescapable. When the dwarves obtain the treasure after the defeat of Smaug, they set upon each other as each tries to claim a greater portion. This group of stalwart fighters would lay down their lives for one another, but the shiny future promised by a fortune in gold has an immediately greater intrinsic value than the notion of friendship and warrior bond. Bilbo encounters the twisted character Gollum who is a physical manifestation of greed and want. Bilbo is able to escape the fiend by finding the ring of invisibility, which Gollum had been deliriously seeking all this time.  (Antagonist) But Bilbo’s greatest issue is his fear. It’s almost physical in its ability to control him. But each adventure is like a gate by which Bilbo is able to travel through and conquer his fear until, by the end, he is able to approach the dragon alone with nothing but his courage as companionship. (Ending)Ultimately, the dragon is killed, the treasure is recovered, the dwarves realize their greed and repent to each other, and everyone lives happily ever after. But as in most tales, the value of the Hobbit is in the journey, rather than the end.

 This sort of reads as a review, doesn't it. By doing so, it demonstrates the wholeness of the idea.

Some of you might differ with my choice of antagonist. Smaug is an antagonist; as are all the monsters. This is really a classic tale of G vs E. But all those things, to me at least, are secondary to greed.

(Note that the spacing in the text in the first version is from the conversion from .doc to .pdf to .jpg. and are in no way my fault :))

Pitch It So They Can Hit It!

(Now with an example which can be found at this link)

Not to strain a metaphor, but most of you treat the batter as if he or she is your enemy. You prepare a pitch and sling it over the plate. Weighed down with too much blather, it’s like trying to hit a knuckle-ball laced with gerund slime. Remember this: you want the batter to hit your pitch. You want your batter to hit your pitch so damn hard it goes over the left field wall and becomes a mass market, best-selling book.

So now that I’ve decimated the metaphor, let me tell you what I’m really talking about. It’s your book pitch. It sucks. It’s way too long. It’s a chore to read. Editors and or agents are some of the busiest folks on Earth. They spend most of their day taking phone calls, working with the marketing departments, attending office meetings, and working with their top three authors. What’s left is a miniscule amount of time for them to read submissions in their slush pile or those they’ve asked for. So you got to have your pitch ready so they can hit it.

In the Army we have a saying called K.I.S.S. No, not the Detroit metal band. K.I.S.S. stands for Keep It Simple Stupid. Don’t go into any more detail than is necessary to convey these five things: The Beginning, the throughline, the subplot, the antagonist and the ending. Do not leave off the ending. If you do the reader is going to think you don’t know how it ends. And NO! You are not allowed to leave the reader hanging unless your name is Brisco County Junior.

Being interviewed on NPR

My fellow zombie author Chuck Wendig has a terrific article about the throughline here.  He calls the throughline the invisible thread that binds your story together. You might know it as the plot. I’ve also heard it called the base, the centerline and the arrow— whatever you want to call it, you need to represent it in such a way in your pitch that the person reading it knows what’s going on and why it’s going on and how it is resolved.

Now here’s the hairy part.

You have to do it in one, double-spaced, one-inched margin, twelve-pointed font page.
I heard that you potty mouth, but I feel your pain.

I’d be dropping WTFs all over the computer screen if I read that too.

But what about the 30 page chapter summary I have, you whine in a miserable little voice.

Ooh, I say. Do you really have one? How cool? Funky beans! Wowsa and all that smack. The chapter summary is great. You’re a little ahead of yourself, but there’s no punishment for working hard. Feel free to include that in any submission. If you don’t have it, they’ll ask for it if they like your idea. If you do have one, then they’ll move on from your pitch to the summary.

BUT THEY HAVE TO LIKE YOUR IDEA BEFORE THEY’LL EVEN COMMITT TO READING YOUR OUTLINE.

Sorry about the all cap shouting, but I saw a few of you shaking your heads like you thought I was speaking crazy talk.

Now here’s the last bit of knowledge about the Pitch I’m going to impart. In addition to the five elements and in addition to a single page, use active voice and present tense. It doesn’t matter if the book is going to be written in past tense, write in present tense for this single page. Why? Present tense makes it live. It makes those reading it think that it’s happening now, that whatever they are reading is perishable and that they must read it.

So go back and take a look at your pitch. Maybe the reason it’s not getting any love is because it’s just way too onerous a document to read. In this day of 140 character communications, everyone wants to read something shorter.

So give it to them.

Pitch it so they can hit it.

~     ~     ~

Weston Ochse is the internationally-published author of such novels as TOMES OF THE DEAD: EMPIRE OF SALT and Blood Ocean (Afterblight Chronicles). His novel Velvet Dogma is available as an original ebook, as well as an audio book. SEAL Team 666: A Novel, his latest novel about a military unit that protects America from supernatural attack, is coming from St. Martin’s Press in November 2012. He holds a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, likes long walks on the beach, and has a tattoo of Elvis Presley.