Update: Real Hauntings at Haunted Mansion

Stuff is cranking up at the Haunted Mansion. Here's a brief summary of what's happened thusfar:

Me and Dan the first night.

• EVP of the word Paul (also given to us on spirit box)

• EVP of the word Gretchen (who interacted with us last time)

• EVP of the word Help.

• Scraping of furniture on the floors, where there was no furniture

• Flashlights turning on and off using verbal commands

• and most of all, an attack on one of our friends

Here's an excerpt of my blog from what happened to Dan and the attack.

True B Movie Horror and the High Priestess of MoFo

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read is all real. It's not fake. It's not a Haunted Manion Writer joke. It happened. Seriously.

So, this morning we talked about what had happened last night. In the clear light of a Marin County day it seemed surreal. I still hadn't come to grips with what I'd witnessed. Straight out of a B horror movie, it was something we'd seen happen to actors over and over. Which might explain why I was a little numb to it when it happened.  Still, when Sephera yelled down the stairs for Rain to come running with the words, "Rain, come quick. There's a poltergeist event happening," I was the second person trampling up the murder stairs.

Running to the far end of the third floor, I approached a room shrouded in darkness. Not just that the light was off, but it was darker than the other dark rooms. Ghost Girl Kristin was in the room standing with her arms akimbo. Clearly even she'd never experienced such a thing.

"It's pulling Dan under the bed and it won't let go," someone yelled.

And as my gazed finally pierced the darkness, I saw Dan, on the floor, half under the bed, his face filled with terror, his hands reaching out for anyone, anything.

(To see the rest, I'm afraid you have to go over to the Haunted Mansion Blog -- Here)

Haunted Mansion Writer's Retreat.

I'm currently in San Francisco, staring out across the bay towards Marine County. Somewhere within those fog-shrouded hills lays the Haunted Mansion. I was there two years ago. It is really haunted. It's really scary. But there was safety in numbers and those of us who were there depended on each other. This year there are twice as many of us. The number of people is going to do one of two things. Either it will drive the spirits farther in the house and we'll have less experiences, or the added energy will stir the spirits up. I'm not sure which one I want. I'm also not sure what will happen.

We'll find out together.

To keep appraised, be sure to monitor the Haunted Mansion Blog. We'll also be posting updates on Twitter using hashtag #hmr12

Here's a link to the pictures from the first Haunted Mansion Writer's Retreat.

Social Media Audits and SEAL Porn Tattoos

Do any of you pay any attention who reads your blogs? I know my mom does, thanks mom. And my wife, thanks, hon. And of course my agent, thanks Bob. But other than that, I don't know who reads me. Or why. Or where they are? Or anything about them.

In fact, why is it important?

Well, it seem that St. Martin's Press is pretty sophisticated. They conduct social media audits of their authors' sites. In fact, I was found wanting.

Wanting? Me? Seriously? Like I don't spend enough time trying to convince other people how awesome I am? Really? Does this social media person realize that I have a Klout Score of 68?

But they they explained.

And they were right.

I was wanting... a better way to express myself and provide information to fans, friends and potential stalkers.

Many of you might have noticed that I redid my blogger. Color, scheme, font size, added pages, etc. This is result of what I have come to refer to as The Audit!

Conducted by St. Martin's Press Social Media Audit Agent, better known as Paul, the audit was pretty robust. I followed as many of the recommendations as I could... my accomplishment of some of them were limited to my ability to understand cascading style sheets (which is zero). But I worked on them nonetheless. I don't want to upset Paul. I want Paul to be happy. After all, Paul has the ability to change my fortune with a few punches at the keyboard.

Hi Paul, We love you! Ignore the woman to my right. She's not sticking out her tongue at you.
She thinks you're a doctor.

But I was asked about the analytics. What are they telling me about those folks who come to my site? What are they telling me about you?

Well...

It tells me that 31% of you use Firefox, 29% of you use Chrome, and 20% of you use IE. That tells me you are technologically savvy and realize that the free browser that came with your computer might not be the best. It means you take the time to choose. Less than 1% of you use Maxthon and Rockmelt browsers. Those sound cool, but I have no idea who they are. My guess is they are android viewer platforms.

Eighty percent of you come from a windows based computer system, which makes you like me.

Most people find me through google. Recent searches parameters include the words porn, SEAL, and tattoo. So my goal is to have at least one post a week that uses these words in the title.

And thank you Slovenians! More of you have visited my site than the French, Italians, Canadians, and Thais. I seriously have to get the German's more involved. They're last in the list of countries where you are from.

I also have an unusual amount of left-handed readers. With 10% of the population left-handed, I have 32% left-handed readership.I wonder what that means?

That's a good start on the analytics. Once I dive a little deeper into the data, I'll be able to get more information to you and Paul.

What are your recommendations? How could I do better? What do you want to see more of? Less of?

Now off to work on my next blog post, SEAL Tattoos Porn Picture of Snookie and Lady Gaga! 



PS. Shout out to Kym and Steph! Thanks for slogging through my drek!

Possible New Bio for Your Approval

After careful consideration and with the absence of reservation, I've firmly decided that this might be my next bio. I think it says it all without saying much, and includes enough information to give grist to identity thieves.

But I leave it up to you.

I’m a literary stuntman, superhero for rent, yakuza of the written word and a cowboy in the boat of Ra. You can find me under S in the Yellowpages, but not under R. I’ve been to more than 50 countries, speak two Asian languages with pathetic currency, have dipped my toes in the Coral Sea, hiked the Great Wall of China, peed in the Danube, and played ping pong on Wake Island. I eat life in great gulps and only rest when I’m forced to. Given the choice to read, write, or travel the world, I’d do all three then shoot the man who made me choose. I’m a pacifist with a killer’s knowledge, spent 28 years in the military, and can break down a 50 caliber machine gun blindfolded. I like long walks on the beach, poems by Ginsberg, and would chew off my left arm if it meant I could eat Seafood at every meal. I was born south of Devil’s Tower, Wyoming with a herd of other misplaced Welshmen in the county named after my ancestor. I was raised in the pastoral splendor of Chattanooga, Tennessee, loved living in the cultural whirlwind of Los Angeles, and will someday spend my days in a perfect spot where the water is to my front and a mountain is to my back and my wine cellar is always full. Until then, I live in the Sonoran Desert where I wile away my days racing tarantula wasps, watching border patrol Death Race 2000 and the black helicopters dance along the horizon. Oh, and I write, too.

What do you think?

Two Days in NYC - In Pictures

Through pictures...July 6th and7th, 2012

Empire State!!!

You want me? You've had me.

Somewhere up there lurks St. Martin's Press.

Sharp!

Angels Editors on my shoulder

Rogues Gallery - Wolverton, Deneen, Ochse, Joseph

Stainless steel elevator door

random hall artwork inside The Gershwin

When was drinking I thought he was real

I thought this was real too

Author and Marketing Guru - Go Kym

Mon petite L'hotel

Lunch on the Upper West Side

Jack Ketchum in his habitat

Walked back to Grand Central

Locals

Pit Stop

Another pit stop

another pit stop

Finally at the airport. Duck ramyen.  Doh!

Sea Bass.  Doh!

SEAL Team 666 Premier Announced

Do you want to get your hands on SEAL Team 666 two weeks before its official release? 

There's only one way you can make this happen.

Attend TusCon 39. (Information)

What is this you say? Is this a new radioactive isotope? Is it new rocket ship built by Raytheon?

TusCon is only the oldest Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Convention in Arizona. Guests of Honor have included Theodore Sturgeon, Vernor Vinge, Robert Bloch, Karl Edward Wagner, Diana Gabaldon, John Ringo, Laurell K. Hamilton, Weston Ochse, Stephen R. Donaldson, Tim Powers, Patricia Briggs, Jim Butcher and Shannon K. Butcher, to name just a few. This years Guest of Honor recipient is S.M. Stirling. 

It's really a fabulous convention at an all suite hotel, where for far less than a hundred bucks a day you can have a great room, meet terrific people, and be able to swim in an outdoor pool in November.

MaryElizabeth Hart, publicity manager for Mysterious Galaxy, has arranged to have the first hardback copies of SEAL Team 666 available for convention goers. She had to pull some strings and bend back some fingers to make this happen, but in the spirit of never-say-die special operations forces, she came through.

I don't know the exact time yet when we'll hold a release party for SEAL Team 666. I'll get with the convention committee and see when they want to do it. 

But when I know, you will know.

All you have to do is be there.

SEAL Team 666 bought by MGM

Metro Goldwyn Mayer (aka MGM), who brought you Gone with the Wind, Ben Hur, The Wind and the Lion, as well as a whole host of amazing films, including the upcoming Hobbit, bought SEAL Team 666 (written by me). I'm flabbergasted, honored and amazed. Thanks Brendan Deneen and Peter Joseph for making this happen!



Here's the industry news so far -- Book-to-film news! Weston Ochse's SEAL TEAM 666, recently sold to MGM, with Brendan Deneen and Peter Joseph attached to produce for Macmillan Films, by Sylvie Rabineau at RWSG Agency on behalf of Thomas Dunne Books.

The book comes out in November and can be pre-ordered here

Stephen King Porn - The Tale of Josh Boone

This is a coming of age tale of a screenwriter.

Josh Boone is a good friend of mine who went to California to try and break into the Biz. He had a script and he had an idea. It might have taken him ten years, but he just hit it big --- and I mean big with a Adam West Batman --KAPOW!!!

WRITERS just premiered at the Toronto Film Festival. Starring Kristen Bell, Jennifer Connolly (Yes--Labrynth) and Greg Kinnear.

(L-R) Actors Patrick Schwarzenegger, Nat Wolff, Lily Collins, Liana Liberato and Greg Kinnear and director Josh Boone arrive at the "Writers" Premiere at the 2012 Toronto International Film Festival at the Ryerson Theatre on September 9, 2012 in Toronto, Canada.

"Wildly funny and deeply touching in equal measure, Writers is a promising debut for Boone, aided in no small part by the stellar cast he's assembled. Veterans Kinnear and Connelly shine, but keep your eyes on the trio of Collins, Wolff and Liberatto: these expressive young talents nearly steal the show." - Jane Schoettle, Toronto International Film Festival


What's it about and why is this about Stephen King Porn?
Click this next video and see for yourself.




On writing the script and getting Jennifer Connelly and some guy named Stephen King...



As a kid and a dreamer...


How to convince movie stars to be a part of a movie from an untested director...

And finally, an interview with some clips.


 Everyone nod your heads and give the screen a thumbs up. Nice to see a nice guy perservere and make that big Hollywood movie.

Way to go, Josh!

5 Monsters You Want SEAL Team 666 to Take Down

SEAL Team 666, according to the New York Times, is a "special-ops squad that fights demons, possessed humans, mass-murdering cults and evil in its most dark and ancient form." It's comprised of five specially-trained SEALs and a dog whose mission is to "protect America from supernatural attack," says author Weston Ochse. They receive their orders through the office of the Vice President, but what if the American people had a choice of which monsters they'd take down.

A recent survey provided the following monstrous opportunities, so we sent SEAL Team 666 in to bring them down. Here's what happened.

5. Chupacabra. This goat blood-sucking cryptid is the canine of the monster world. Whether it be the Hound of the Baskervilles or the Jersey Devil, this reptilian-mammal hybrid is the sort of beast shock collars were made for. Known for its impressive speed and strength, capturing one wouldn't be so easy. HALOing in to form a cordon, the SEALs give chase along the American border with Mexico. Using a move learned from afternoons with Scooby Doo and his crew and mornings with Gilligan, they manage to capture this beast by pretending not to be trying to capture the beast, making cryptozoological dog catchers out of our SEAL Team.

4. Elmo. Yes, that red fuzzy midget of the monster universe is back with even more strident commands to be tickled. This heavily petted and fondled creature has commands that create the same uncontrollable manifestation of the need to touch it as a herd of tribbles. While the members of SEAL Team 666 can't keep their hands off this fluffy beast, it is the Belgian Malinois, Hoover, who snaps free the bug-eyed creature;s head, rendering it once again, a mere stuffed animal.


3. Cookie Monster. This ravenous blue monstrosity has been popping out of more trashcans than rats in New York City alleys. Demanding cookies from tourists from every country but Latvia, his endearing yet ruthless manipulation of the human spirit has caused families to go without food, bachelors to go without beer, and winos to lose their homes, all in an effort to feed this brute. In what initially seemed like a remarkably easy operation, SEAL Team 666 baked hash brownies and fed them to CM, leaving him humming Bob Marley songs. But a mere hour after the take down, CM returned more ravenous and monstrous than before, demanding cookie sandwiches filled with meat, cheese, peanut butter, pickles and crushed Fritos. In a daring midnight maneuver, CM was transported by C140 Starlifter to Battlecreek, Michigan, where he was last seen trying to eat the Keebler Elves.

2. Bigfoot. Camouflaged as tree sitters in the Oregon forests, the members of SEAL Team 666 only got fleeting glimpses of this creature. The closest they came was providing the new $300 plus Lebron X basketball shoe in size 32. The ruse almost worked, but as the big-footed beastie was trying on the shoe, he discovered it was a Chinese knock-off, purchased by the U.S. Government at a discount. After ramming the shoes up the back end of a Chevy pickup, Bigfoot was never seen again.

Two members of SEAL Team 666 shown here after taking down
the Giant Man-eating Squirrel of Piscataway

1. Teletubbies. It was a battle royal on the fields of Stonehenge as SEAL Team 666 met LaaLaa, Po, Dipsy, and Tinky-Winky, the most well-known members of the mythical species known as Teletubbies. At first things were going in the SEALs favor, as they laid down fields of fire sending hundreds of rounds into the red, purple, green and yellow beasts. But the rounds didn't seem to faze the TTs, who began to dance around NuuNuu, their anthropomorphic blue vacuum cleaner, which began to suck free the SEALs weapons. Soon even Hoover disappeared into crazily-cavorting blue machine. Then the TTs began to dance to a crazed mix of Ziggy Stardust, AC/DC, and Tears for Fears, sending the SEALs reeling as their inner ears expanded painfully. As a last resort, the team leader pulled free the only weapon they had left, the Spear of Destiny, taken from an exhibit at Disneyland. In a tactical rendition of the Hokey Pokey, alternating with his left and right feet into an imaginary circle, he was able to fool the Teletubbies. Amidst the fanfare of voice trumpets and psychedelic lighting, he managed to get close enough to skewer them, creating a shish kebob that tasted strangely of cheese whiz and cotton candy.

AS SEEN ON SPOOF.COM

Of course this is just silly, but it was fun to do. To find out what SEAL Team 666 is really up to, preorder your copy from Mysterious Galaxy, Powells, Joseph-Beth Booksellers, Barnes and Nobles, Amazon, or your favorite independent bookstore.

Cheerleader vs James Bond: It's a Tie!

I've been asked to do a series of blogs on Criminal Element this year.

The first one is up is titled AIRPORT TRAVEL FOR THE PARANOID AND DELUSIONAL

The next and most recent article is titled HOW TO USE ESPIONAGE TRAINING AT A PARTY. I credit editor Peter Joseph with the idea. After thinking about it, though, it really wrote itself.

Take a close look at the picture. See the dress on James Bond? It's because I said that the single greatest perpetrator of espionage is the American cheerleader. Want to know more? Then you have to read it, I guess.
 
I'll be doing others like MY BENE GESSERIT BOX, and TRAINING CHALLENGES IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA.



It would be cool if you all could flip over and maybe comment once or twice.

In addition to mine, there are quite a few interesting bloggers on Criminal Element. I particular like Dave Richard's blog, Westeros Noir: A Game of Thrones as Crime Fiction, where he parses the plot to demonstrate the criminality of it. Now I REALLY can't wait for GAME OF THRONES.

There's also some good information about new books coming out, the fall television line-up, an essay about author Ross MacDonald, and my recent favorite article about a guy who orders a television and instead gets a combat rifle. 

Regardless, get over there and kill some time while you're in line at Wal-Mart, or on the train, or whatever it is you're doing when you wish you were doing something else.