Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness Sucks Big Rocks!

Me in Feb 2014 after a Run or Dye 5K

I can ride a bike twelve miles without issue.

I can knock off a 5K anytime I want.

I've been doing Yoga now for two years and am in the best shape I've been in for the last two decades.

So why in the hell did 25 squats cause me so much pain that I can't work out for 72 hours?

How in the world was I laid low by a simple stretch!

Sigh.

So here's what happened. I decided I'd try out the Daily Burn. For those who don't know about it, it's a monthly subscription streaming workout video service. I wasn't able to get through the first workout because of wifi issues, but that's for another blog. I was able to do the burpees (which I've done before) and the reverse dips (which I've done before) and the situps (which I've also done before. Those weren't the issues. It was the warm up that got me. They started out by doing 25 squat stretches. 25 fast squat stretches. I could barely keep up. Then the wifi went wonky and I threw an hour long temper tantrum about the quality of our router and whether or not we should nuke it. But as I said, that's a conversation for later.

Then the next morning I go to get up and KABLAMO! I'm hobbling. The muscles in the back of my legs feel like they've gone five rounds with Rocky Balboa. I figured I'd pulled something. I struggled into my clothes and went to work. I figured my legs would get better. By noon they were twice as bad. By the evening, I wanted to cry. 

I had to find out what was wrong so I went to the best source of information at my disposal in a desperate attempt to find out if I had scurvey, or Hanta Virus,or the Swine Flu. Google! Way back in my head I remembered seeing a Facebook meme about some sort of tape worm that wiggles through your muscles and I was like OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE A NIGERIAN MUSCLE WORM!!!

Turns out it wasn't. It was DOMS or delayed onset muscle soreness. Here's a description from an article about weightlifting:

This is the classic delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), which tends to kick in from as soon as six to eight hours post-exercise, and peaks around the 48 hour mark, though there is much individual variation of this timeline. And while lower body soreness tends to be more inhibiting and memorable, the phenomenon certainly isn’t limited to the legs. 

Here's a PHDs take on DOMS if you want to get all scholarly on me.

DOMS. Son of a bitch!

Squats are certainly unfamiliar. I never do them. And part of me says that if it hurts, then stop. Don't do anymore squats. Many people go their whole lives happily--nay gleefully--without ever doing a squat stretch. So then why do I care? Why don't I just never do them and move on.

Because I want my whole body to be in shape. I thought that biking and running and hiking and yoga and the occasional martial arts session would put me there. But clearly the back of my quads is weaker than the rest of my body.

Squat Therapy: 4 Drills That Will Improve Your Squat

It's now almost 72 hours after I did those damn squat stretches.  My legs still hurt. On a scale of 1 - 10 I'd rank it a 5. 

It's supposed to be better tomorrow. 

Either way I'm doing yoga. 

Even if my legs fall off I'm going to do some yoga tomorrow. 

I'm craving exercise. 

I'm jonesing for an elevated heart rate.

And when I'm fully recovered, I'm going to start training my legs for squats and this bad ass chick is going to show me the way.

Whoops! What Did I do? Need to exercise Quick!!!

We took a mini-vacation to Jerome, Arizona the last four days in celebration of yet another of my mother's 21st Birthdays. We had an incredible time, especially our stay at the Surgeon's House Bed and Breakfast. You know you're having a great time when you're still there and trying to figure out when you can come back. Yeah, it's that sort of place.

One of the Brekkies we had at the B&B

I managed to exercise only once during the four days by doing some stretching and yoga exercises as I stared across a thirty mile view. It was stupendous. 

But alas, with all the food and lack of exercise and wine -- oh boy was there food and wine -- I gained four pounds. One for each day, I suppose. Good thing I wasn't there for a week.

But no regrets. This was a vacation. You're supposed to enjoy yourself.

I don't regret the 12 oz NY strip.

I don't regret the almost pound of shrimp I had for breakfast one day.

I don't regret the 1/3rd pound venison burger or the heaping French Fries.

I don't regret the copious amounts of wine I drank.

You know why? 

Because I'm allowed to cheat every now and then.

But you gained four freaking pounds? What are you going to do about it?

I'm not going to panic. I know my body and I know how to exercise. Here's what I'm going to do for the next week-

• Limit my carbs
• No beef
• Watch salt content
• Eat yogurt for breakfast and take probiotics
• Increase fresh veggies and fruit intake
• Drink lots of water
• Daily Exercise

I mean, Who Can Say No to a Venison Burger

The last one (Daily Exercise) means I have to do something every day. For me, something constitutes at least 400 calories burned during a session. I have a Suunto Ambit 2 watch, so it tracks it for me.

Today I did a spin class and some bench presses, burning 600 calories. Tomorrow I'll probably do a long yoga workout. If my legs aren't killing me, I might run and then do a short yoga workout.

It's all good.

No reason to panic. 

I bet that I'll be 4 pounds lighter by Friday.

Easy Peasy Japanesey!

BACK IN THE USA UPDATE

So I'm back.

Afghanistan is now 4 weeks in my rear-view mirror. I haven't been hiding under a rock, but I have been easing back into things. I can't tell you how awesome it was to return to a loving home. My wife is awesome. So were my parents. I missed my dogs terribly. And interestingly enough, I also miss many of the new friends I made on deployment.

Here are some of the things that have been going on-

• Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has signed on to exec produce and star in the film adaptation for SEAL Team 666 (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer).
• SEAL Team 666: Age of Blood went on sale in both the U.S. and UK and is selling like gangbusters.
• SEAL Team 666 Book Three is going to happen. We're working out contract issues.
• Grunt Life, my military science fiction novel for Solaris Books, is complete and ready to be sent to my agent.
• I'm doing a book signing tour in SOCAL. Information can be accessed by clicking on Upcoming
  
  Appearances.
• I've maintained my weight and fitness.
• I went trout fishing for the first time in 15 years, absolutely loved it, and caught four trout, three of which I kept and cooked for Yvonne. Yummers.
• Bought a Suunto Ambit 2S GPS watch, which is really helping me keep track of exercising--oh, and it keeps time too.
•  About to start my story for V-WARS and get to write about a Norse berserker vampire.  How cool is that?

That's about it, I think.

Thanks for keeping up with me.

Seriously.  Thanks.

5 Worst Canned Foods for You When Deployed

First let me say you won't believe this.

But since I'm your Deployment Monkey (aka Stunt Human) and trying these things out for you, you should really listen to me. Basically, I've sacrificed my body so you don't have to. 

If I'd have bet money I would have lost because no way are these particular canned foods that unhealthy. Okay, well maybe canned meat. I knew canned meat was unhealthy. I've actually looked at the side of a can of spam before. ::shudder::

But once again, it's not the first time I've been completely mistaken.

Quality Food Being Airdropped into Country

So, one of the things I miss when being deployed is supermarkets. I've never been a serious shopper, but the food store is different. I remember going with my mother when I was a kid, forced to go, constantly in trouble for touching this, or dropping that, or touching absolutely everything within my reach. I remember summers at my grandparents and my grandma would always take me to the store with her. God forbid she leave me at home where I might accidentally shatter every piece of china she has precariously perched on every available space.

Okay. Maybe grandma had a good idea. Plus, at least I'd talk her into buying me comic books. I talked my mom into those too, and also books. I scored my first Terry Brooks at a Kroger in Tennessee because I promised I'd be a good little boy.

But then I got older. I began to buy my own food and the ingredients began to represent possibilities. I could combine this meat and that vegetable and invent a magical sauce to create fill in the blank here spectacular freaking meal.

But there are no grocery stores in Afghanistan. Correction, there probably are, but they're not something I'd be able to shop at without getting into full battle rattle, bringing along a pistol and a long gun, and escorted by an operational support team in an uparmored vehicle. Almost killing yourself to get to healthy ingredients seems to be self defeating.Of course I could try and infiltrate one of the grocery stores in a burkha, but then I hate having anything on my head and I'm afraid I'd look too much like a big-shouldered ninja.

As an alternative, many of us deployed folks depend on boxes from home or our favorite online store. I'm the same way and since we can't count on fresh ingredients still being fresh after lounging in a box on the tarmac of Bagram Air Field for a week, we have to consider other strategies.

Like canned foods.

After doing a lot of research, I was stunned to discover that many of the canned foods I like are actually unhealthy... GASP... almost deadly.

Let's talk about salt, for instance. The United States Centers for Disease Control established an upper limit of recommended intake of sodium chloride (table salt) of 2300 mg per day, but recommends that most population groups limit their intake to 1600 mg per day. So forget about the high number and focus on the low number.

Why is too much salt bad for me? You mean besides high blood pressure, kidney stones and possible osteoporosis (*)? Also because salt makes your body retain water and makes us thirsty. Why do you think bars give away salted food? They want you to buy more drinks. When you have more salt in your body it causes you to retain water, which gives you the puffy look. How hard now does your body have to work to purge it of the salt when it could just be working on getting you in better shape?

There's a reason I lost 35 pounds in three months and it was paying attention to certain foods, especially these foods. Not only paying attention, mind you, but not eating them either.

So, here we go...

Canned Peas - This hurts my heart because I love peas. In fact, we have this joke at home. I love peas and my wife hates them, but not enough that she won't eat them if I make them. So whenever I say I'm making peas, she says, 'Yeah Peas!" like a demented culinary cheerleader.

Yeah Peas! Rah Rah Sisboombah!

Now, it's been reported by multiple outlets that virtually all the nutrients are destroyed by the long and high cooking temperatures needed to preserve peas. Additionally, many of what's left is leeched out into the water/brine during it's lifetime sitting on the shelf, or waiting in a warehouse, or sitting on a flight line. Plus, let's do a little simple math even an old soldier like me can figure out. If you read the back of a common can of peas, you'll see that it indicates that the serving size is 1/2 a cup (4 ozs). Each serving size has 350 mgs of sodium. If the can is 15 ounces, which is regular can size, and then the total amount of sodium in a can of peas is 1400 mgs.

What's your recommended limit again per day? 1600 mg? Yeah. I thought so.

Canned Meats - Dear lord, you could pick any one of them, but let's just focus on the perfect 'Lonely Guy Food'- Vienna Sausages. One can has about 350 calories, which isn't so bad, unless you realize that 300 of those are from fat (*) Then of course the little sausages from the Vienna beast also have mechanically separated chicken. If you've never seen Jamie Oliver's wondrous unveiling of what this looks like, you should see it. In fact, you can see it here at no extra charge.

Had enough yet?

No?

Then let's move on to everyone's favorite Italian food in a can:
 

Canned Ravioli - According to the World Cancer Fund, this is one of the foods they've placed on their list of Foods Too Dangerous for Human Consumption (*), mainly because of the overwhelming presence of sodium nitrite. So you really want to eat a food on that list? That's like getting in line where a sign reads This is the line where you will probably die but go ahead and stand here anyway you moron.

Canned Chicken Noodle Soup - 1800 mgs of sodium and it also has sodium nitrites, see above.

Can of Juice - I usually drink water. All the time. There's no booze and no fresh milk here in The Stan. I don't want the empty calories of soda. But hey? There's some juice with vegetables on the side of the can. I bet that's healthy, right?

Not so fast.

If it says fruit juices, read sugar; even if it's naturally occurring. Check this out. During a test of orange juice in a diet and no orange juice in a diet after only one week, here are the changes:

Cholesterol went from 203 to 243 (out of "healthy" range)
LDL: from 127 to 165 (also out of range)

There were also to reported values which were a surprise:

Albumin: from 4.3 to 4.9 (out of range)
Iron: from 71 to 191 (out of range, aka “into the stratosphere”) (*)

Now I can hear you.

So what? you say. Big horking deal? you explain violently. What do I care about albumin anyway, you juice-taking-away-Deployment Monkey?  You grab me by the neck and shake me. WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT ALBUMIN?

Nothing. Don't worry about it. It's just been reported to render testosterone inert and we don't care anything about that, now do we?

But listen. I'm no expert, I just figured this out myself. I'm just your Deployment Monkey. Why listen to me? Go ahead and eat these things.

And I understand why you don't want to trust the CDC. In the movies, they have been responsible for numerous zombie plagues and have failed to stop several dozen other biological catastrophes which have destroyed the world.

I wouldn't trust them either... except I do.

Weird that I'd trust the CDC to help me eat healthy, but not protect me against a zombie attack.

I guess it's just the choices we make like NOT eating little sausages from the wild Vienna beast.

 *   *   *

Please Note: This article is copyrighted by Weston Ochse. Any reproduction in whole or in part without the author’s permission is prosecutable by public law. If you'd like to borrow part of this or see it reprinted, contact me here. Thank you. © 2013 

.

My All-inclusive, All-Expenses-Paid Health Resort Called Deployment to Afghanistan or How I Lost 35 Pounds Thanks to the Taliban, Bad Food, and Good Exercise

How I Lost 35 Pounds Thanks to the Taliban, Bad Food, and Good Exercise

Before I came to Afghanistan I used to joke that I was going to an All-Inclusive, All-Expenses-Paid Health Resort. I wasn’t kidding. Although I said it tongue-in-cheek, my plan was to treat Afghanistan as just that – a free resort supplied by my government where I could either lie on my ass and watch re-runs of television on my computer, or I could do everything I could to better myself, so that when I left I’d be that much closer to the man I want to be.

My First Month

Don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty happy with who I am. I’m 48 years old. I’m extremely successful in my Defense Department job. I’m an author with books in print world-wide with an ever increasing fan base. I have terrific kids, a pretty awesome mom and dad, three fabulous dogs and the most amazing wife ever.

“So what’s the issue?” you ask.

I like my life so much I want to be around to be in it for a long long time.

“So what’s the issue?” you ask again.

Somewhere between being an athlete and a martial artist and a success I became a man who weighed 275 pounds and got winded climbing a flight of stairs. I was closer to being a contestant on The Biggest Loser than I was to winning the lottery. Oh sure, I joked about how much a monetary investment I put into my body—good wine, good food, good times. But I forgot to realize that with everything there has to be a balance.

This doesn’t mean that if you have good you have to have bad.

But it does mean that if you’re going to treat your body like a massive caloric repository, you need to treat it nicely or else you might not have a body to treat.

And by treat it nicely we don’t mean beat it to shit at the gym so you promise never to return. That’s happened way too often in my life. In this world of instant food, instant entertainment, instant knowledge and instant communication it seems ridiculously old school that our bodies can’t be instantaneously changed, but that’s the way we were made. And although scientists have designed cars which can park themselves, they haven’t designed a body which can exercised itself (but I’m on the lookout).

Well, it’s been just over 90 days since I left for Afghanistan. I came here weighing 275 pounds. I now weigh 240 pounds. For those who might be math-challenged that’s a 35 pound weight loss.

So how’d I do it?

First let me explain how I got to be a 275 pound man.

Food. Wine. And sloth.

After 60 Days

Okay, maybe sloth is too harsh a term, but I like it and it’s my body so I’m going to use it. You see, I’d come home tired at the end of a long day or a long week. I’d have a glass of wine or a bottle or two. I’d eat. Then I’d eat again. The next morning I’d wake up feeling like I was hit by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I’d promise myself I’d get to the gym that day and work out. Worst case scenario, I’d work out in the home gym I constructed. Yeah, that’s what I’d do. That’s my plan. Then I’d go to work, come home, feel tired, and hit the couch again. Somehow I’d never find the energy to work out. So instead, I’d sit on the couch with a glass of wine watching a crazy chef with spiky-bleached hair travel across the country eating his way through diners, wondering how in the hell he managed to keep so fit.

Must be good genes, I told myself. He must just be one of those guys.

Isn’t it amazing how we can fool ourselves? Never underestimate the ability of the human body to fight to retain its own weight. If we aren’t smarter it will take complete advantage of us. After all, it can make us feel good. The best we can do is make it feel bad.

Which is what worried me. I didn’t want to be in pain. I wanted to lose weight the nice way, letting my calories float into the ether, serenaded by a group of winged cherubs who looked mysteriously like Mumford and Sons.

Then I remembered a phrase from my Army days- No Pain No Gain.

Dear lord. Is that what it’s going to take to get back in shape? To change my body image? To become healthy? Does it really involve pain? Can I just get hit by a truck instead and maybe lie in a bed with a body cast for three months? I bet I’d lose weight then.

As it turns out, it doesn’t have to hurt. In fact, it shouldn’t hurt. If you’re hurting when you exercise, more than aches and pains, you’re doing something wrong.

So here are the three things which have helped me.

·         General Order #1

·         Healthy Eating

·         Healthy Exercise

General Order #1: It has a lot of words in it and says a lot of interesting things but what me and most of my friends get out of it is NO ALCOHOL. This doesn’t mean I’m going to quit drinking when I get home, but it does mean that when I’m at my health club (aka Afghanistan), I can concentrate on my body using simple math instead of adding the crazy quantum mechanical algorithms alcohol throws into it.

But how do you know you’ll be able to drink and stay healthy when you return home? Shouldn’t you join an Amish community, swear off television, and stop drinking in order to remain healthy? I suppose that’s an option. But instead, I have a better idea. I have a writer friend living in Wales who drinks and eats what he wants and exercises and writes successfully. How does he do it? He doesn’t forget to exercise. He drinks a little less. He also eats healthier. So for at least the start of this, I have someone who is living the life I want to live.

Now to get there.

Healthy Eating: It’s really simple math. It’s also crappy food. I have to admit up front that it would have been much harder to lose 35 pounds in 90 days if I was stationed in Italy, or France, or in America next to a Whole Foods. But I’m not. Even if I was, I would have still been doing this. The journey might have been a little longer and a little harder, but I’m serious. See, whenever I thought about how good something would taste or how I was missing something, I’d remind myself that I have a whole lot of time to make up for it when I get back. If I can only say no for a little while longer, I can say yes for the rest of my life.

So what’s the math? I figure out my Basal Metabolic Rate add in the calories accrued from my daily

After 45 days Here

exercise and subtract the calories which represent what I eat. As long as I end up with a negative number I’ll lose weight. If the negative number is too high, then my body might go into starvation and it will stop acting like I want to. If the number is in the positive, then I’m not losing weight. It’s simple, but like a lot of math, it depends.

What I eat is also important. I don’t eat hardly any bread, beef, or pork because it’s not good here. I don’t eat fish because I’m in a land-locked third world country with questionable transportation and cold storage and my momma didn’t raise a stupid son. But I do eat canned tuna, salmon and sardines at least five days a week. I stay away from potatoes and veggies with a high glycemic index level.  But I eat the hell out of salads, have lots of chicken, and snack on fruit. I even use Caesar dressing. Why? Because it’s only slightly higher in fat and calories than olive oil, so why not eat something that tastes better.

I also cheat one day a week. How do I cheat? I have a Pizza Diavolissima from Ciano’s. This is an authentic Italian pizza with pepperoni, mozzarella and blue cheese, and hot red peppers. And yes, I usually eat the whole thing. I do this when the mess hall has Mexican night because, well, it’s either that or not eat at all.

Healthy Exercise: Yoga and cardio. In fact, I do Diamond Dallas Page Yoga (DDP Yoga), or Yoga for Real Guys (YRG YOGA). They’re the same program, marketed under two different names. This is power yoga with isometrics, pushups, and complete body investment. I do this six days a week. Not only is it a great introduction to yoga, but both the videos and the audios of the workouts are easy to follow. So imagine me with my yoga mat in the gym plugged into Diamond Dallas Page yelling at and encouraging me through each and every move. Trust me. I got plenty of funny looks. So what.

I also do cardio. I’ll eventually get around to lifting weights, but I wanted to concentrate on my legs. Since they are my platform, and they’ve been broken since the Veteran’s Administration decided I was a 70% disabled veteran because of what the U.S. Army did to me, I wanted to get my legs and feet right. So I’ve been concentrating on my cardio. I spend a minimum of 30 minutes on the treadmill every workout. Most times I walk real fast, but sometimes I run. Not a lot, but some. I hope to eventually run  the entire period. I also do Stairmaster for 20-30 minutes, especially if it’s a day without Yoga or a day where I do a short workout (25 minutes) vice a long workout (55 minutes).

In fact, I’ve bought some toe shoes and have started running in them.

So that’s me. That’s what I’ve done so far.

I have 90 more days to go. I have a pretty significant goal, one which I set when I first arrived. If I stay focused, I should be able to achieve it. The reward is who I get to be when I return and I can’t wait.

Any questions? Comments? WTFs?

 *   *   *

Please Note: This article is © copyrighted by Weston Ochse. Any reproduction in whole or in part without the author’s permission is prosecutable by public law. If you'd like to borrow part of this or see it reprinted, contact me here. Thank you.