HP Has a Solution to my Computer Problem in Afghanistan--NOT!!!

So I pulled out my broken computer this morning and let it do it's Kabuki Dance of Death one more time because I decided I need to start the day with a laugh. It gives an error code when it's trying to boot up, so I typed that code into trusty old Google. Looks like it might just be a Windows 8 issue--- as in it crashed.

Oh!

Hunky fucking Dory!

That's easy to fix then.

So I googled the code.

This is what I got from the makers of my computer. Here is their helpful information posted at the HP Official site.

You might have to Click on this to make it larger, sorry.

What you'll note is that all of the commands rely on Windows actually loading. Well, if Windows has crashed, then how can it load? And no, the F-Keys aren't functioning.

Note also that this was posted by an 'HP Expert.'

And finally, note that HP encourages you to click on the 'KUDOS' button at the bottom to 'Accept as Solution.'

Then note that as of the creation of this post, 1,788 persons have viewed this 'HP Solution' and not a single one has accepted this as a solution.

Seriously, HP?  Did you pay this person? Is there any oversight? Is it a guy in his underwear playing WOW in his basement or is it an actual living breathing HP-certified helper? Do you know this has been on your site for two years?

Question: If windows has crashed, how do you expect us to follow directions that rely on windows to be open?

Sigh.

I used to be so happy with my HP and the laptop.

I used to think it was the Schnizzle!

Note to HP. You can have the shiniest and bestest looking computer in the universe, but if your computer crashes and stops working and if your 'Help Desk' people are complete morons, then that is the last impression you are leaving on a customer, and anyone that customer decides to speak with into eternity.

Also, a special message to the CEO of HP.  My mother has written you an email. She's already had one reply 'escalating the issue.' You have no idea. You better duck. You better hide. Because she's not going to let off. Trust me when I say that the only way you can piss off a mother more, is if you fuck with their kid when he's deployed fighting a war. And get this, she just retired. So she has all.... the time... in the world... to make sure that you and all of her friends understand the issue at hand.

...and the drama continues.

Weston Ochse
Currently in
Afghanistan

SPLAT! My Laptop Commits Suicide in Afghanistan!

So there I was, early morning, ready to put some serious words down on the page and I noticed that my screen was frozen.

Frozen? I have a top of the line HP Envy. How the hell can it be frozen? It cost more than my all-in-one HP desktop. It cost as much as a used car. In fact, with what it cost, I could feed an Afghan family of six or a year. But I needed it. Or at least I thought I did. After all, I was going to be doing all of this stuff in Afghanistan with it. Skyping, watching movies, listening to music, writing, etc. As it turned out, my wife and I use Facetime in my iPhone and we never even used Skype. So I use my expensive laptop for the other things.

Still, I thought it would be faster. After all, I suped it up. Here's what I had (yes, notice the past tense):

*dv6t Quad*
o Windows 8 64
o System Recovery DVD with Windows 8 64
o 3rd generation Intel Core i7-3630QM Processor (2.4GHz, 6MB L3 Cache)
o NVIDIA(R) GeForce(R) GT 630M Graphics with 2GB of dedicated video
memory
o 12GB DDR3 System Memory (2 Dimm)
o 750GB 5400 rpm Hard Drive with HP ProtectSmart Hard Drive Protection
o NO mSSD Hard Drive Acceleration Cache
o 6 Cell Lithium Ion Battery
o 15.6-inch diagonal Full HD Anti-glare LED-backlit Display (1920 x 1080)
o Blu-ray player & SuperMulti DVD burner
o HP TrueVision HD Webcam with integrated dual array digital microphone
o Intel 802.11b/g/n WLAN and Bluetooth(R)
o Backlit Keyboard

I mean, hell! This was the HP Snizzle Version. Yes, you did see that it said 3rd generation Intel Core i7-3630QM Processor. It's essentially the Lamborgini of processors. If last year's computer was a javelin, this is a fucking bottle rocket with a warp drive second stage system, but for the life of me, I couldn't tell the difference. It still had the classic PC lag.

AND with all the bells and whistles it had WINDOWS 8?  Seriously? I paid $4.99 to get rid of Windows 8 just so I could go back to the classic look. Windows 8 Blows!

Sigh.

This is not really my computer,
but it might as well be

But it doesn't matter now.

After my computer froze, I turned it off, and it's never come back on again. It recognizes that it has a problem. It gives me a frowny face like it's being operated by a 12 year old girl and tells me it's going to analyze and correct the disk, but then it hangs fooooooorrrrrrrrreeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeerrrrrr, or at least six hours before I tried to restart the process again.

I even tried the boot disks, but the computer won't recognize the CD drive. So what are the boot disks good for then, other than to throw out the window next time a sketchy man on a scooter gets too close to our uparmored SUV?

News at Eleven: Soldier Decapitates Taliban Bomber with HP Boot Disk.

As unlikely as it sounds, it could happen. I mean, if this product of the Tennessee education system can publish more than a dozen novels, then seriously! ANYTHING. CAN. HAPPEN.

So what am I to do. I have a novel deadline with Solaris Books that I will not miss. Thankfully, I was using Drop Box, so my work in progress has been saved and is complete. I lost several other stories and articles I'd started and left under documents, but I can live with that. Ha. Listen to me. I can live with that, he says. I have to live with it because I was the douche canoe who didn't save them in Drop Box.

So now here I am in Afghanistan, without a computer, with only a Kindle Fire and an iPhone and all this writing to do. I can't tell you the last time I was anywhere where I didn't have a keyboard and the ability to type something.

Two things are certain:

• I'm going to have a fight on my hands with HP.
• I'm going to need a replacement system sooner than later.

Stay tuned, I suppose, so we can see how I make it out of this mess.

If nothing else, come back for the drama.

Cheers.

Weston Ochse
Currently in
Afghanistan

Where Art Though Electronica? What shouldest thou get?

So I'm looking at all the new computers, iPads, MP3 players, Netbooks, Kindles, Nooks etc. There are just so many choices. How does one get to just one or two pieces of electronica? What is the single source solution?

Right now I have a netbook (Samsung NC10), a desktop, Dell Inspiron 500 series with two monitors and a cheapo MP3 Player. I also have a CD player in the office and one in the car.

I love the Netbook. Samsung was the company that broke the code on lightweight long-lasting batteries. My NC10, which is 2+ years old, has a 10 hour battery life. It also has instant on, meaning I can put it to sleep and within 30 seconds (which is instant for a windows system) I'm back to my program, which in most cases is msword. It's fast and has a great camera. The speakers suck, though, but that's why Edison invented ear buds.

My desktop is adequate. I use two monitors, which I love. No complaints there, but it is pretty big.

My MP3 player is about dead. It's tiny, holds about 2 gigs and is about as no-frills as a 1950s vibrator.

So in looking at new pieces of electronica, I realize that I want an iPod, an iPad, a Kindle, a Macbook Air, a netbook, and a replacement desktop, probably an all in one touchscreen monitor. With all that I might as well carry around a blender for my foofoo drinks and a microwave for my snacks. You can pick me out of a crowd because I'll be the guy with the wheelbarrow.

And I haven't even talked about the phone. I'm locked into Sprint right now because of the Everything Data Plan for two phones which runs about $125 a month. I like my HTC TouchPro 2 and can't afford and iPhone or the service contract for one.

So what should I get in the future?

iPad vs Netbook: Mac/Apple purists have a single choice. I'm not an anything purist. I do have to say that having to deal with the foibles of microsoft all of my life I've become attuned to troubleshooting and I know the MSWord program like it's my little demented brother. With the iPad I can't write novels using the screen keypad. I've tried. I could get a universal keyboard, then it would work, but the formatting for the programs in iPad aren't perfect for submitting to NY Publishers. Then again, iPads have the cool touch screens with the apps. It is certainly a better social media tool.

What if I throw a Kindle or a Nook into the Mix? Do I have to have an iPad too? What if all I want is an eBook reader? Of course I can download Kindle for PC too?

I think I may have found the perfect little computer... or at least the first generation of a computer that will solve these needs. I checked out the Asus EE PC91, which is a netbook with a Rotating touchscreen.

A quick check shows that there are an increasing number of these sorts of netbooks out there that will give me the social media functions from an app-rich environment touch screen, the ability to convert to a functional eReader, and the ability to triple as an actual computer with the sometimes clunky, but industry standard Windows-based MS word.

I'm going to keep my eye out for the best one. My Netbook has a few months left for sure.

So on to the MP3 vs iPod. I've been reluctant to make the switch because of the price, but I have to. I'm going to get an iPod pretty soon. I have a CD player in my office that I haven't used in ages. I also have a stack of CDs that are dusty enough to have been excavated by Indiana Jones. Plus, my MP3 player doesn't have enough power to be heard when I'm riding my motorcycle, so I need something with a little muscle.

So Netbook with rotating touchscreen and iPod.  Check.

But what about a desktop? I have to admit, I love the Macbook Air (which I'd use as a desktop). It would be pretty ridiculous to have a Windows notebook and a Mac desktop. As peaceful and congruous as the relationship between a Muslim man and his Jewish wife. Still, I like the Mac. I'm up in the air with this. One of the problems is that there'd be a steeplearning curve. I hear there are camps and intervention groups that will help you through the transition, but I know how to deal with my demented little brother. Why should I get a new better brother and try and learn how to socialize with him now too? My father has an HP Touchscreen All in One Monitor. I like that and how it uses such less space. Maybe something like that would be perfect. I'll keep my eye out for them.

So I'm not sure about the desktop yet. But allow me to score your brain and leave you with this stunning image of a Mac thief. I can only imagine what I'd look like if someone was able to hack into my camera.

Read the full story here -- http://thisguyhasmymacbook.tumblr.com/ -- it's freaking hilarious.