Writing on Borrowed Time: The Lindsay Lohan Method

Random Elvis Picture (From Azteca Mexican)

I don’t know if it’s the monsoons, shooting stars, or the constant need to babysit our new hyperactive Great Dane, but my imagination is running wild these days. I have more ideas now for things than I’ve had in many moons. It’s really hard to contain the creativity whirling about in my head. Three short stories, a screenplay, four novels, a novella, and little old me, this is in addition to what I’m already contracted. As it stands I only have about three hours a day now to write. Most of the time it’s enough to work on the current project, but I can’t imagine how cool it would be if I had entire days to work. I know that if I did, I’d partition the time; something to allow me to work on a novel, story and a screenplay each day. I envy my friends who work full time.

Maybe I should go to jail. According to Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, “She’s writing a lot. She’s creating art…” Hell. People pay for this sort of author’s retreat (Ians).

But alas, I am unwilling to head to the big house. Not only don’t I want to be someone’s love puppet, but I just hate the feel of jumpsuits against my crotch.

Karen Fenech recommends doing what I normally do, which is to rationalize your goals. “Part of my problem with getting my writing done was that I wouldn’t write unless I could reserve a big block of time to do it. I rarely could do that, so I didn’t write at all. Once I stopped thinking in terms of hours-- and started thinking in minutes-- I got my writing done.”

Personally, I like to set goals. Tom Piccirilli once told me his secret of magical output: five pages a day. I keep to this mercilessly when I’m on task.  My fellow National University alumnus Sahag Gureghian also agrees. When finding time to write, he believes in setting goals. “I can’t stress the importance of this. Having goals is key. I’ve found writing my goals down really helps me stay focused. Whenever I get distracted, I read my goals and am reminded of what I am trying to do and why.”

But even with a goal of five pages, when my allotted time is up, that’s really all I’m able to do. Karen thinks in terms of minutes, I think in terms of pages. Maybe I need to up the quota. Maybe seven pages. Or ten. Or 15. Maybe by virtue of having a greater goal, I'll be able to achieve it.

Buddy Brian Keene squirts 15,000 words on a Saturday. But knowing him, he’s chained to the computer, blood pouring from his eyes, fingertips taped to keep the nails in place, as he works all day and into the wee hours of the morning. I just can’t do that.

I once read a copy of Esquire that gave me an idea. I can’t remember the issue, but I know it was published in the mid-90s and it had Steve Martin on the cover. Anyway, this issue had an article about berthing aboard merchant ships. Evidently, merchant ships have a few passenger berths. You can get the solitude, the ocean, and the voyage, without the hassle of screaming children, buffet stampedes, and high seas karaoke. The author of the article packed a case of wine, his laptop and sailed to Asia. By the time he arrived, his novel was complete.

Short of an overseas voyage, I’m starting to think seriously of the Lindsay Lohan method. Imagine days where all I have to do is write. It sounds like heaven to me. Even if I do have to wear jumpsuits. Even if I do have to be someone’s love puppet.

Works Cited

Fenech, Karen. “Finding Time to Write When You Have No Time To Write.” Absolute Write.  n.d. Web.  30 July 2010. http://absolutewrite.com/novels/finding_time_to_write.htm.

Gureghian, Sahag. “Finding the Time to Write.” We the Bistro. 22 February 2010. Web. 30 July 2010.  http://mediabistro.posterous.com/finding-the-time-to-write.

Ians. “Lindsay Lohan Spending Time in Jail Writing and Eating.” Entertainment Daily. 29 July 2010. Web. 30 July 2010. http://blog.taragana.com/e/2010/07/29/lindsay-lohan-spending-jail-time-writing-and-eating-153456/.

Dog Days of Summer

I am a dog person. I've owned several mutts, a Blue Tick Coon Hound, a Bull Terrier and four Great Danes. Or rather, they owned me. Right now we have three Great Danes in our casa. Allow me to introduce them.

Goblin is a 170 pound merle with golden eyes who was abused by a man, which means he is terrified of all men, which means he is terrified of me sometimes. Even after five years he still shivers and shakes. He's 7 yrs old.

Left to Right -Ghost, Goblin, Yvonne and Ghoulie

Ghost is a 120 pound white with blue eyes. She's deaf. She was set on fire when she was six months old and has a large scar by her front leg. Now she's 5 yrs old and other than being ravenous at mealtime, she's well adjusted, and as ditsy as can be.

Ghoulie is our newest. She's a 100 pound 10 month old puppy. She's white as well. And she is as blind as a Ray Charles bat. We just got her 4 weeks ago after a 4000 mile road trip in 5 days to Charlotte. Now, when she'd not sleeping in the crate, she's being watched by either Von or me. I spend about 3 hours every night repeated the words, watch it, no, and stop about 50,000 times. She is the canine equivalent of a toddler... a toddler on a hotplate. For she will leap wildly at anything and anyone who makes a noise near her.

I am relearning patience. I am enjoying the love of this new dog. I am also trying not to laugh when she runs into the wall. It's not funny. Not really. Well. maybe a little bit. Still, I try not to laugh.  Just so you know.

NECON 30 REDUX

NECON has come and gone. I feel at once energized and exhausted. But like always, I’m glad that I went.

For those of you who don’t know, NECON is one of the best kept secrets of the horror genre. It stands for North East Horror Writer’s Convention and was started by Bob Booth thirty years ago. Most of the time it’s held at Roger Williams University and is more of a summer camp than a convention. By that I mean instead of focusing on the panels, the convention focuses on events that bring people together. Whether it be mini-golf, croquet, midnight darts, softball or just hanging out in the quad until sunrise, most of the NECONites, as we are known, stress the Camp-esque qualities of NECON over the Con-esque qualities.

When I think of NECON I think of sitting drinking scotch with Peter Straub. I think of shooting the shit with Jack Ketchum, who sometimes calls me Warren, even though I’ve known him for more than ten years. I think of the Cabal, Brian Keene and FUKU, who are usually in attendance. I think of the New York Contingent with my spiritual mentor Douglass Clegg, my horror enabler Matt Swartz, Red Ranger Alexa DeMonterice, Ginjer Buchanan, Gina and Jane Osnovich, Nick Cato, Nick Kaufman, Tracy Carbone, Lisa Manetti, Dave Simms, Monica O’Rourke and Linda Addison. I think of Holly Newstein and Rick Hautala, who I know would be even better friends if I could make them move away from the frigid north. West Coasters Hal Bodner and John Skipp were a treat. Shout out to Rich Dansky, Jack Haringa and Nate Kenyon.

So what’s new from NECON this year? The rumors about me wearing a dress may or may not be true, but if they are true, it was only as part of a costume to roast Elizabeth Massie and Courtney Skinner. Joe Hill popped in and we had some nice conversations about motorcycles. Heather Graham came in and almost stole the show. Rio Youers slipped past border patrol and managed to grace his way into everyone’s hearts with his guitar and “aw shucks” demeanor. The McIlveen girls are almost all of legal age now which is about as dangerous as the US vs Russia circa 1980. Any attempt to touch them would certainly cause Mutually Assured Destruction, emanating from Papa John and any number of Big Brother NECONites.

It was awesome seeing James A. Moore and Chris Golden. These guys are at the top of their game and shine brightly. Speaking of the top of the game, F. Paul Wilson and Tom Monteleone were also there. Steve Spruill was supposed to come, but he had a last minute engagement and was sorely missed.

Some new folks I haven’t mentioned yet that it was a pleasure to meet (and those I rarely see) include Sheldon Higdon, William Carl, John Dixon, Mike Arruda, Danny Evarts, Scott McCoy, Jason Harris, Mike Meyers, Norm Prentiss, Shelby Rhodes, L.L. Soares, Doug Winter and Craig Wolf.

Images that will stick in my mind are: Mickey Sardina doing a belly dance in a Godzilla Costume (Hubba Wow); Anya Martin lip-sinking to “Tea for Two”; Dan Keohane, my favorite Hawaiian author, screeching Yeeehaaa over and over ( I thought he was going to pop out an eye); Kelly Laymon expending the energy drinks she drank four years ago by doing the 1980s Man Dance; James Roy Daley (killer new writer beating the bongos ); Matt Bechtel with his hand up his own ass (you had to be there); and of course Mattie Brahan faux tap dancing with a murderous Cthulhu doll.

I can’t forget to thank Sara Calia for picking me up and Dan Foley for dropping me off. Thanks to the Booths, one and all. And most of all thanks to my editor-in-chief from Abaddon Books, Jon Oliver, for sending 50 copies of Empire of Salt to the campers. They loved it and we left them wanting more.

I also can’t forget my amazing wife. While I might have been dressed as Elizabeth Massie, she also might have been dressed like Courtney Skinner. Is it me, or does she still look hot with a bald head and old man suspenders.

Thanks to everyone. If I left you out it was for no other reason than I ran out of steam. Each and every NECONite made my trip an excellent one. Now if only I can figure out how to get there without having to take ten different flights, with a dozen screaming babies on each one.

Hmm.

Where’s Dan Simmons and his Farcaster when you need it?

July Update - Zombies, BBQ Clams, Krystals Burgers and Rescued Great Danes

Lots of things happening the last couple of weeks. Let's start with the trip to San Francisco. Yvonne and I went to spend time at our friend Rain Graves marriage. As a bonus, we also spent time with our nephew, Tad Dodson. When we weren't having an

From San Fran 2010

excellent and extravagant time at the wedding and ensuing reception, we visited The Castro, went to Marin County, Experienced the amazing culinary experience of BBQ Clams from Olema Farmhouse, and spent time walking the streets of San Francisco. It was an awesome weekend spent over Father's Day and my Birthday. (Pictures of the trip)

Next we found it necessary to travel 4000 miles in 5 days by car back and forth across America. Why? Because there was a blind Great Dane at a rescue in Charlotte, N.C. we needed to pick up and take home. This makes three Great Danes in the house, all of whom have their own quirks and problems. It's stunning how much time a blind toddler takes up, though. At 9 months old Mad Dog Ghoulie Sonar Brain is about 100 pounds and acts like a hyperactive toddler on a hotplate. Oh My. We have our hands full.

From Operation Get Ghoulie

(Pictures of the trip)

Then came the Fourth of July, but before that I had a book signing at Barnes and Nobles Westside Tucson. We sold all 20 copies and it was a blast. (Pictures)

Then the 4th, then I was away for a week on business to Virginia Beach.

Now I'm back, but I also had a book signing in Bisbee, AZ yesterday. We sold 6 books, but the store kept six. Add that to the 12 that was burned in the truck fire,

From Bisbee Signing

then that makes 24. Yes. I said truck fire. Evidently, a truck from Ingram's Oregon warehouse had a tragic accident and caught fire. The driver was hospitalized. No books survived. (Pictures)

Now today is a relatively peaceful day. I got up early and walked all three dogs, watered plants, fed dogs, made coffee and a frittata for my wife who's been under appreciated these last few weeks.

Next week is NECON. It's going to be a special one.

Book Signing in Tucson

Weston Ochse will be signing copies of EMPIRE OF SALT, teaching zombie line dancing, and discussing the value of nutrition for the undead. Also bring your copies of THE DEAD THAT WALK, ON WRITING HORROR, CHILDREN OF CTHULHU, SCARECROW GODS and anything other book you want me to sign, even your own.

Signing is on 3 July 2010, from 1-3PM at Barnes and Nobles, Foothills Mall, 7325 N. LaCholla Blvd. Ste 100, Tucson, AZ 85741. And you can call to reserve your copy at 520-742-6402 (ask for Mary).

Empire of Salt in Waves

Lots of Empire of Salt news.


We had a book signing in Flagstaff. Lots of new fans showed up.

We also had a book signing in Sierra Vista, Arizona. The store had 20 copies and I think we sold 13 of them, along with a handful of my other work. Lots of folks coming in from goth teens, to weird tweens to octogenarians who wanted to talk politics, but I convinced instead to buy a book. here's a picture of me and the original FOW (Friend of Wes).

Paul Kane has also made me Guest Writer at Shadow Writer UK. There's a never before seen excerpt from Empire of Salt posted. Meet Abigail. Meet Trudy. Meet the zombie.

Last news to report is the box of books I received today. My first box of author copies from a mass market publisher. I got all squishy inside. It was really a great feeling. Or can't you tell by the shi*t-eating grin on my face. :)

Nevertheless, there I am.

So please, if you haven't ordered a copy yet, get one from your favorite bookstore. If for some insane reason they don't have it in stock, please ask them to order a copy for you.

You all rock! ""Devil Horns""

May – Motorcycles – Zombie Mayhem

May is halfway done and I don’t know where it went. Work kept me unusually busy, but who wants to talk about that.

Spent many hours in the early days of May responding to publishers who asked me for pitches, creating them from scratch, re-tailoring them, or adding more information as requested. Of course since I sent the pitches in it has been crickets. I also had to hurry and produce a short story for an anthology. It was an invitation but not an acceptance, but this was one of my best works, by far, so I hope the publisher will snatch it up. Still, not a peep from the low world of publisher-demons, and probably none coming any time soon. Not the best of circumstances for an impatient guy like me.

Been working on setting up book signings but had a glitch. Empire of Salt was held up in customs for some reason and I missed my first signing, then missed the rescheduled signing when the initial hiccup caused a string of events between customs and distributers. Now we’re back on track and I’m back to scheduling signings. A big one is coming later in the year to coincide with the Tucson Zombie Crawl. Looking good. For tour dates, feel free to check at Book Tour.

Another thing that has been stealing my time was building a new shed for the well house. Lucky for us, Nephew Tad came down from San Fran and brought his general contractor expertise. We bought a Rubbermaid shed, but then reinforced it with wood and rewired all the well parts, in some cases, updating the wires from the 18^th century museum pieces we found there. Methuselah’s uncle was the one who originally put things together and was the inventor of the term “spit and bailing wire.” We’re just lucky things hadn’t sparked into flame before. But now the shed is built, the well is rewired and I can return to writing.

If Yvonne and I could, we’d spend a hell of a lot more time riding our motorcycles than we do. It’s such a joy and Arizona is made for it with the wide open spaces and the sparse traffic. For Yvonne’s Birthday, I arranged for an overnight trip to Douglas. Douglas is a small town in the southeastern corner of Arizona with a history dating back to the mid 1800s. It was big in the silver boom and was frequented by Pancho Villa. In fact, the grand old hotel we stayed at, which has Tiffany stained glass, marble columns, real gold leaf, etc, is the site of one event where Pancho Villa rode his horse up the winding marble staircase. It’s a pretty cool old hotel. I had a pass for a free suite we won a few years back which I had been hanging onto for just something like this. We cashed it in and were given the Harley Davidson-themed suite. Black and orange everywhere. Two rooms open to each other. 1970s furniture. King Bed. Jacuzzi garden tub. It was awesome. That night we went across the street to eat. The food was pretty bad, except for some sort of queso appetizer with chorizo that was fabulous. Still, I think we found the only Mexican restaurant in the universe dedicated to Marilyn Monroe. Not only were there over a hundred different photos, but there was a fresco set up like and altar on the way in. Creepy crazy cool. The next morning we ate in the hotel restaurant. It is always great. They have this concoction called Lorenzo Beans, which is refried beans, cheese and enough jalapenos to make you want to slap your momma (shout out Mike M). It was a nice trip and our first overnight.
Pictures from this trip. Pictures of the inside of the hotel from 2007

On Thursday we leave for five days to the Grand Canyon. Yvonne managed to get us on a 4 day rafting trip down the Colorado. We went to Tucson yesterday buying some of the gear. It should be an utter blast. I’ll take lots of pictures and share them. We won’t be taking a laptop with us on the river, but Yvonne will have her NEO, so writing will get done.

In the meantime, pick up a copy of Empire of Salt. Read it. And post about it. I need everyone to get out the good word. Ask your bookstore to put them on their shelves if they already haven’t. If you work in a bookstore, make sure you have this. And don’t forget to join the Empire of Salt Victim’s League on Facebook. Lots of info and prizes to reward your loyalty.

Video of Me Reading The Crossing of Aldo Ray

While I was in England at the World Horror Convention, Martin Roberts was kind enough to video record my reading of The Crossing of Aldo Ray. The quality is damn good, only I wish I had a stunt double who could really do the story justice. I guess I'm not the only one, but I always hate hearing my voice. Still, I know people will dig this. Please check it out if you have a moment and listen to me read my Bram Stoker Finalist Story - The Crossing of Aldo Ray. It is in two parts.

Part I



Part II

Facebook | Empire of Salt Victim's League

Facebook | Empire of Salt Victim's League

It's THERE....Not here, but there, unless you are in England, then it's here. Are we clear? Lol.Looks like EMPIRE OF SALT has been released in England twelve days before the release in the U.S. Those lucky Brits. Get yours and be the first!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1906735328/

England's Inflatable Pig

Of all the photos I took while I was in England, this one requires the most explanation. It was Saturday, I think. Von and I slept late, then woke hungry. We slogged through the persistent rain and found a pub called The Varsity (Brighton, England). I ordered, sat down with a beer and waited for the food. Soon, I had to go the little boy's room. Frankly, my bladder is the size of a pea. Downstairs, I saw something that will haunt me til the day I die. I hurried back upstairs and said, "Von. Hurry. Give me the camera." She looked at me strangely, as it was clear that I meant to take a picture in the boy's room. Still, she gave it to me, and I hurried downstairs. When I returned, it was with this picture.

From WHC 2010

For those of you who don't know, especially in bars, and most often at truck stops, there are dispensers in mens' bathrooms that dispense all sorts of condoms and the like. Ribbed, knobbed, studded, glowing, spinning, screaming, peach-smelling, sporty, dusty, raunchy, disco, horned, and salty....all sorts of condoms, the most infamous being the French Tickler. So dispensers were no big deal. In fact, they gave me something to look at while I was....well, you get the picture.

So there I was staring at the dispenser and I realized that this was not like any dispenser I had ever seen, nowhere, even in the most dive hole in the wall bars where you wouldn't even take your worst enemy did I ever see a dispenser that dispensed a blow up inflatable pig. Look at the damn picture. Look at the horrified expression on the pig and the joyous satisfied expression on the man. Oh. My. God! And they sell it! For Five Quid. In England. Gah!

Brian "Elvis" Lumley

Brian Lumley makes one hell of an Elvis. I love this guy!

Storming the Castle

My agent emailed me to "Have fun storming the castle." When I read the words, I heard the voice of the woman who said it in Princess Bride. So we did. And it was awesome. We stormed the castle today! Billy Crystal would have been proud. It's quite the amazing place. Loved the dungeon. Loved the inside room tours with all the period furniture and stuff. Absolutely loved the falcon and eagle demonstration. The two bald eagles and the seas eagles were about as impressive as anything I've... ever seen. Bought bus tickets for tomorrows return to London. About to go out to dinner at Catalans. Gonna have venison steak, I think.

In England!!

Part I. Brighton is a blast. So many cool people to spend time with and not enough time to spend. Shouts out to Mike McCarty, Bill Breedlove, Brett Savory, Gemma Files, Martel Sardina, Simon Clark, Monica Kuebler, Gard, Tim Lebbon, Michael Marshall Smith, Hank Schwaeble, Mike Cavillo, Paul Wilson and too many more to m...ention. Also props to Rio Youers, Vincent Chong, Matt Riley, and Jenni and Jon from Abaddon Books.

Part II. Did I tell you that they had advanced reading copies of EMPIRE OF SALT? Looks awesome. It feels amazing to hold this novel in my hands. They also have a six foot banner. Check it out in the pictures. Besides friends and my novel, lots and lots of English and Irish Beer, and a legendary consumption of Brighton Beach Dominoes Pizza by myself and Tim Lebbon capped a superb first convention night.

Part III. I did not win the Bram Stoker Award for Best Short Story, but I had a great time anyway. I presented the award for First Novel along with Sarah Pinborough. Her plan was for us to snog (she had to explain that to me. As it turns out, snogging would have resulted in a swift and final death for me at the hands of one Ms. Yvonne Navarro. I did however, when we were called, run op to the microphone. At the top of my lungs I shouted "Welcome to the First Annual Stephen Jones Elvis Impersonator Transvestite Brighton England All You Can Eat Fish Eating Contest!" I had raised hands and devils horns on each hand. The room was totally silent. Then I whispered, "Oops. Sorry. That's next week's speech." Hilarity ensued.

Later on in the evening I got Brian Lumley to wear my Elvis shades and got a picture of him beside me. It doesn't get better than that.

After that we left Brighton. Caught a ride with Tim Lebbon which saved us loads of time and money. He was heading to N. Wales and dropped us in Warwick. Found the B&B too easily. Great Tudor home. The town is perfect. Quaint. Castles. Cathedrals. And so much more. Taking lots of pictures, but having power issues over here. We had Indian food last night. Best Indian food I have EVER had at Golden Saffron. Yummers! Castle visit today. And the Dungeon! They have a trebuchet. How cool is that?

Interviewed at Abaddon

I've been interviewed by British author, Pat Kelleher, over at Abaddon Books. I talk about writing, horror, zombies, and the like. It's a pretty fun interview.

INTERVIEW

Hey all of You!

Pictures from the Tucson Festival of Books later. I left my camera in the car at the airport, so you'll just have to wait. Plus, since I can't post pics, I've decided to give you as much as a running video blog as possible. So far I have to links. My first day, and when I wake up to snow!



...and the next

Altar of All Elvis

My novel Blaze of Glory sold out in Limited Edition. Published by Bloodletting Press, it has supersoaker green end papers. Wish there were more to sell. Let me know if someone gets their hands on one.

Also, it's good to know that all is well in the world. I just sacrificed three of them a the Altar of All Elvis. What? Doesn't everyone have an animatronic Elvis?

SMASHWORDS HAS A DISCOUNT PROMOTION:

Special ebook promotion. 25% OFF. Use the code RAE25 at checkout
for 25% off during our site-wide promotion! (Offer good thru Mar. 13, 2010)

My novella BUTTERFLY WINTER now costs only $1.19

Through fields of dead flowers under a red-gray sky, the children dance, arms flapping like the wings of dying butterflies. Desperate to hearken in the city of Dali’s famed Butterfly Spring, they spin and jump as best they can, sometimes falling, sometimes staggering. No longer are they the children who rushed towards the survivors' downed plane. They are forever changed. They are undone.

Valentines Day 2010

Valentines Day 2010. It's a little late for the pics, but never a little late for Romance. I took a hot young thing out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. These pictures are the evidence you all can use against me.

Sonoran Dogs

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106366080
Sonoran Hotdogs. Mmmm.

"The Sonoran hot dog may take the phrase "with everything" to new heights. It starts with a hot dog wrapped in bacon. Then you begin piling on the beans, grilled onions, fresh onions, tomatoes, mayonnaise, cream sauce, mustard and jalapeno salsa. Add radishes, cucumbers, whole chilies and even mushrooms, if you want."

Tucson Festival of Books

I'm going to be at the Tucson Festival of Books this year. I was supposed to be there last year, but had to travel to Europe. I almost missed it this year too. I'll be there Saturday, but on Sunday I'll be scrunched into an airplane seat on my way to Romania. But here's my schedule on Saturday:

Vampires, Zombies and Monsters
Panel / Sat 2:30 PM - 03:30 PM
Koffler - Room 204

Here's more information about the Festival:

Every spring, the University of Arizona campus transforms into a platform for Arizona’s largest literary event, the Tucson Festival of Books. This annual function supports the advancement of literacy efforts in Southern Arizona through local sponsors, including the University of Arizona and UA BookStores. Their generous contributions directly benefit Pima County Public Libraries and local literacy programs such as the Reading Seed. Free and open to the public, this two day festival endorses the community celebration of reading and knowledge by featuring hundreds of authors, publishers, and exhibitors.

During its 2009 debut, Billy Collins, Diane Gabaldon, J.A. Jance, Elmore Leonard, and Luis Alberto Urrea were among the 450 authors who attended the Tucson Festival of Books. 800 volunteers assisted over 50,000 guests as they made their way through the 19 indoor and 5 outdoor venues. The 24 stages featured author conversations, panels, workshops, and entertainment for children as well as adults.

The Festival of Book returns March 13 and 14! Peruse the UA BookStores events via the navigation on the right, or visit http://tucsonfestivalofbooks.com/ for complete festival information.

The Tucson Festival of Books is sponsored by the Arizona Daily Star, one of the Southwest’s most honored newspapers, and the University of Arizona, the region’s leading public research university. It is planned and staged by an all-volunteer group of Tucson community, commercial, civic and educational leaders. Proceeds from the event benefit literacy efforts in Southern Arizona.

Event organizers have begun lining up authors, sponsors, vendors and volunteers for the sequel. Their goal is to top last year’s spectacular figures:

The 99 Stages of Writer's Anticipation

What do you do when your agent sends out manuscripts? Do you pray to something? Do you huddle in a corner with your favorite blanky and pray to the great god Bacardi? Maybe you just sit back and ignore the whole process, as if it's way beyond you and nothing you can do could help serendipity either way.

I go through 99 stages of anticipation every time this happens. Here they are.

Stage 1. There's a moment when I feel an unholy elation as if in a matter of seconds I will be transported to the mountaintop where all the real good writers live and I'll be told the secrets to publishing. Later, we'll sit around smoking a blunt, drinking red wine from bota bags, listening to Donna Summer and telling stories about when I was but a struggling writer.

Stage 2. Reality hits me square between the eyes and I remember that the odds of getting hit by a car are better than being published.

Stage 3. I act nonplussed, too-cool-for-school, what-me-worry, who's-afraid-of-the-big-bad-wolf-bad-ass and stare down my nose at the world like I'm French and you're not.

Stage 4. I begin looking at traffic wondering if getting hit by a car will make me feel as if the universe knows I exist.

Stage 5. I tell someone, usually Yvonne, who acts authentically pleased, but my mind creates a maddening cartoon visage over he face that says something like, "You poor poor sap. You want to be famous. Take out the garbage. That will make you famous. Write a note to the trash collector. You'll be even more famouser, asshole."

Stage 6. I believe in god for 7.2 seconds.

Stage 7. I email my agent, realizing that only an hour has passed, delete the email, retype it to try and act as if I'm not desperate, delete it, retype it again, the close out the email program before I can actually press send. Then I sit back feeling pathetic.

Stage 8. I play in traffic for awhile.

Stage 9. I consider praying to the dark gods, getting a fetish, learning a new religion, trying yoga, painting henna tattoos on my body, and running naked in the moonlight. I don't actually do any of these things because I'm dreadfully afraid that I might, in a moment of weakness, stumble into the one religion that actually works and be trapped forever.

State 11. I slam my head into a sink filled with ice water.

Stage 12. Fuck it. I grab a glass of wine and begin praying to all my writing fetishes. I pray to my statue of Grifter. I spin my dangly stuffed pufferfish. I touch my Velvet Jesus. I turn on my animatronic Elvis and pretend he's talking to me. I wobble my hula girl. And I whisper dirty little sex secrets to Shardik Jones and his Harem of Barbies, wondering if when become rich and famous if he'll still be the same old stuffed bear lech that he always is and act them out on the floor of my office.

Stage 13. I wake up in a pool of vomit, an imprint of B-H-N-J-M-K on my face. Wine bottles litter the floor. Barbies are splayed everywhere. Shardik looks satisfied. I feel strange and I can't find my underwear.

Stage 14. I throw up.

Stage 15. Three hours have passed since my agent submitted my novel. I email him and ask him if he's received anything yet. He responds a little too quickly with the word "no." I feel pathetic, but act French so no one can tell.

Stage 16. I write a blog about Writer's Anticipation.

Stage 17. I pick up the Barbies before someone actually sees them, but I can't look them in the eye. Shardik grins wickedly the whole time. I wonder if he has pictures.

Stage 18 - 98. Repeat some variations of the previous seventeen stages over and over again, until I either get arrested, my wife begs me to stop, or my agent emails me with news so I can move on, or some combination thereof.

Stage 99. By now I've literally forgotten what I wrote so if it's accepted it comes as a surprise to me that I even wrote it, and if it gets rejected, who cares because I forgot about it anyway. I continue to act French. I still can't find my underwear. But all is good in Weston Land. There's a new book to write and verbs to conjugate. Barbies are all in bubble wrap until the next submission. Shardik sits on the shelf and every now and then I can hear him whisper, "Hubba Hubba." My keys begin to clackity clack as my writing gets back on track. "Hubba Hubba," I whisper back to Shardik. Welcome to the Jungle jumps out of my speakers. Fuck anticipation. If it happens it happens.

Blaze of Glory

Did you see the edges for those pages? Holy Supersoaker! They must have invented a new color green. I just received the limited edition hardback of Blaze of Glory from the publisher. Calling on people to send me pictures of them with the book so I know it's actually out there!

For my Moms

She wasn't all that happy about it, but someone had to say something. My mom is one of those rare people we need in this world. She's also a special ed teacher. The school system did something this year that really pissed me off so I wrote a letter to the editor. When I told my mom she wasn't all that pleased, but I told her that's what she gets for raising a boy who wants to be a hero, forever tilting at windmills.
Check it out..

Robin is my Love Slave

Wow. I was flipping through an old DC comic from my collection and look what I found. I never knew! Double Click to enlarge.

Warm Pictures

For all of you freezing on the East Coast, I thought I'd share some pictures from Hawaii. Warm. Green. Sweet.